The wave - A wave of pain and discontent

Preface
本是踌躇满志，到最后万念俱灰， 人生两大悲剧，我可通通碰上了。


This might be how life works, sometimes, things around you are so good, that you can't find a good reason to sad, however, sometimes in your life, things might occur to you like in barrage of gunfire, that makes you unable to find a reason to be cheerful.


During those happy and unhappy days, I documented in my blog. When glancing back at the 100 posts that I made, sometimes, I might look at a very emotional piece, and wondering why was I that depressed. On other hand, some "positive post" will make me ponder " am I used to be a cheerful person like this before.


Things changed, ephemeral, the "me" in the past is not the " now " , and for sure, the "me" now might not be the "me" in the future. As times goes by, it washed the joy and pain, bringing new joys and pain, thus, shaping an another me in the process.


I had no idea which one is right - the optimistic me, or the pessimist me. All I know is, I am now on the lower phase on my life, and while those pains were intact to me, I shall write it on my own memento, and maybe somewhere in the future, I could look at this post with a smile.


I am now depressed, maybe now, maybe 1 days later, I am still depressed, but someday, once the wave of life turn to another tide, I might not depress.


Meanwhile, I shall wait the life turn to another phase, although I never know how long.


HAPPINESS


永久快乐和幸福，只有在童话故事发生。就算多开心也好，悲伤迟早会随而遁形。你可以选择如何看这世界。但此刻的我，相信世界和童话是两码事。


* We all hated unhappiness, we hate them, we dwell ourselves into entertainment, numbing our senses, we share our pain, so that it be less, we avoid them, we solve them, we just don't want unhappiness to revolve around our life.


Yet unknowingly,we might create more pending unhappiness in the future, in the process of fending off unhappiness. A dwell of alcohol to escape stress makes your life worse, an outburst because of releasing stress might led another stream of problem to you, which again, loads of unhappiness. * 


Unhappiness - before I was 13, it was because of parents not buying a game console, however, after I was 13. Unhappiness was something else, which might be somewhere etched deep in my mind, waiting for the right time for it to reemerge.


POST 1
I split up with my friends when I was form 1. Those friends that mixed around me despite I being labelled as a menace, they were all gone, leaving me with a new environment. It was perhaps that time, my wave of life coming to a drastic turn-down......


Apparently, I was picked up by some bullies, and luckily though, I suffered no physical damage, as those punks never had the courage for a real deal. However, verbal abuses, nick-calling, taunt of violence never cease during that time, to the point when I had to carry a penknife, or something sharp for defense purpose.


That was life in the hell. Endless nicknames, endless taunt, and my rebellious nature with teacher made it worse (to the point that I hate teachers), made my form 1 life a hell. It was the time when no friends and foe are known ( as a friend of mine turned out to be the one picking me up). It was time when people never stand up and defend for you, as they will have agree me as a menace myself. It was the time when I savored loneliness, the another unhappiness I never experienced- from walking to canteen alone, to studying in the library alone by myself.


Those menace, some of them are now missing after form 1, some of them changed, and some of them, perhaps I could blurt it up, became lowest life form worse than human. However, to swallow up unhappiness, while makes me tormented mentally sometimes, makes me able to weather through the other unhappiness alone.


POST 2


孤独毫无否认，非常的难受，但是若你没有承受孤单的勇气， 你会发现你所谓的自我，会消失在你无数的人生面具中。


My nightmarish form 1 ended unexpectedly with me being unscathed, however, soon enough, another type of loneliness dwell in - the outcast situation. When group of my friends started to gather around, the guy, discussing on animes and games, and handphone, while girls, discussing about the latest album and singers. The contradiction was, I was the only few people that never know what they are talking, as computer was a gizmo for me, and books were the only past-time during those time.


There are attempts of joining conversation, however it failed miserably, and only earning me other jokes and perhaps some name-calling. Pathetic efforts were done, but in the end, life could be easier if I just stayed quiet and dwell to my own world of fantasy, while continuing with loads of mistake that  made me being stranded more.


* From a 3rd eye view, this is merely a blame of own situation to the society, however, being me in part in the story, I will rather blame the whole world than me, and I believe some of us do." *


POST 3
踩踏别人来抬高自己身份，对你对他，都是可悲


In this society, there are types of people, that seek self recognition by degrading others. Those kind of people, however, is not surprisingly scarce, in fact many of us, do, seek self recognition by the act of degrading others. For example, by calling someone else stupid, you are indirectly implying that


1. You are clever.
2. You are better than the person.
3. You are better.


We had people that looked at other's misfortune to see how fortunate they are, however, we had also people that seek, by criticizing people different from your view, indirectly stating that your view is correct.  However, it shall not be confused with advice because, there's a obvious between the two...the former makes u mad, the later changes ur mind.


I had met a lot of people with this kind of behavior, from my secondary school life until now, in university life, that subconsciously (or consciously) derogating people to reaffirm themselves. However, I had learn enough lesson to let myself infuriated, and learn to ignore those comments that made my day worse.


* Egoistical people thinks the world revolve around his axis, while IT IS ACTUALLY TRUE, they didn't notice that the world revolves around other people's  axis too. It's simple, all people in the world are standing on axis that revolves the world. Why? The world is round, EVERY POINT ON WORLD IS AN AXIS.


Those "constructive comments" left me tears and sweat, but now, it left me a smirk.


狗眼看人低


Part4


人生的道路上，你的开心建在人的痛苦上，你的幸福，往往是人家的地狱。你所谓的废物，可能是人家的珍宝。 世界虽是如此，但你什么也不必做，因为人生就是如此。


 但是，当你被仇恨时，与其摆出一个道岸貌然的样子， 你必须承认你也有所责， 无论多妙少也好，因为，你的每个字，可以塑造每个人的天堂，或地狱。


Everyone of us, unknowingly, cause a person's life to be happy or miserably, unknowingly by a single sentence, a single action, which you might regard as "negligible", might turned out to be something that's important to people.


However, each time we faced the accuse of hurting people, we never felt responsible for it, maybe moral justify your action, maybe the world's norma supported your action. But still, a blatant refusal of responsibility, is always a pathetic act...


I first greatly impacted by the anime "Jigouku Shoujo" , in which the story features a girl as an agent to send people to hell. 


Lots of people that are send to hell are evil criminals, however, some of the people, designated to go to hell, only done - a tiny prank ( a v sign on a dead people ) , words of despise ( rude to the loved ones), a wrongly spoke sentence,  a unintentional derogatory statement. Those people were sent to hell because of those things that might appear petty to us, " a joke, a prank."


The moral of the anime is to tell us the true nature of human's hatred, but at the same time, it told us how we could make a person life a heaven or a hell.


We, unknowingly, done some action that regarded as offensive to others, however, no matter how "weird" their reason is, please prepare to listen for it.


A simple derogatory statement makes a people's hell, a simple gratitude statement makes a people's heaven.






P.S. - My mood is much better after typing up a 1000 word essay (or crap). It might be offensive, but then again, I might apologize, but I refuse to change every single word that I posted today  

A story to share (part 0)

Oh, today is thanksgiving. However, instead of engaging in massive shopping or eating this guy below~ ~

I stayed in my room, having an Otaku life of watching anime, and woke up late, missing the chance to have my free thanksgiving meal. Well, not that I care about turkey, because after all...I ate a turkey before~~

Well, at least it's still turkey : ). And it costs one buck to have such a wholesale meal. I think I should stock some of these guys next time I go shopping. However..., speaking about shopping, I unfortunately in a situation that could only be described by this picture...~~~

While friends of mine might go to Gucci, Prada Jimmy Choo shopping spree, my dream of getting a decent desk lamp, a 8GB memory card and rice cooker with a cheap price came into bubble when the bank account showed a cute 12.00USD in my TCF bank account.

So huh?! JPA didn't bank in my allowance after all. And as I imagined my friends enjoying themselves in Chicago, or shopping spree in Albertville, I was forced to stay in my own room, alone while others enjoying good company and using those money for a shipping spree. It's a competition of time, whether I will get my money before I starved to death or before I was unable to pay my rent...

Hatred...Jealousy...Feelings of injustice soaked into my mind as I stayed in my room in this holiday...well, this image suits the best

                                                           

Well, why am I posting this pic?

And thus after this introduction post, I shall introduce and tell you the story of mine.

P.S. Guess who the girl is, an Anime character, and also part of reason I missed my free turkey =p.

T . T

Sorry, I have been wanting to go Chicago to meet all of you, but sadly, It just felt wrong when I had to ask people to borrow money for rent while going Chicago at the same time...and this was the painful choice I had to made....

Missing those penn state people, in this last 3 months in INTEC, we had really good times together, regardless of DoTA, or other thing else, I really wanna see that naughty skeleton face, the innocent boon hui look, the preverted Ben, the Sam's evil smirk, and the hoong Ching 's Z looking attitude...

And also wei young, the guy that could be angel and devil at same time, Chin Jian, Jia Mun, and etc and had a good complains and debate of life...

There are many people I wanted to see and talk too, instead of get stuck in room in Thanksgiving. Nevertheless, and sorry, I couldn't make it.

May my wishes with you all.

重要的东西总是难以发现-银魂EP 104

A：

我孤独一人并不是我的错。

我什么都没有错。

都是无能，因为他们太无能了。

我和他们居住的世界不一样

我是被选中的人。

无法接受孤独，而将孤独的责人怪罪他人。

害怕被人拒绝，于是就先自己拒绝自己。

害怕受到伤害，于是便演上爱上孤独的戏。

心里便形成个围墙。

为此，唯独想将才华昭示于天下的表现欲。

日欲不断膨胀，希望可以得到别人的认可。

即时得到认可也得不到满足。

我能更有所就，我和你们不一样。

我要让你们体会到我的存在。

B：

你所追寻的，并不是可以了解你的人

A：

不知不觉我就忘记了

我真正想得到的

不是名誉，钱财，地位，才能这些。

甚至不是能了解自己的人

我只不过希望有人能在我身边

只是希望有人能关注我

只是讨厌孤独一个人

只是。。。。

只是想要能从正面真正接受我的同伴

从正面看着我

想要能从正面和我交手的人

只是想要得到同伴。

我想要的东西。。

很早以前就一直在这里了

我想要的东西

很久以前早已结上了

Quoted from Gintama - Episode 103

yrros enoyreve

when people are obsessed with their own sadness

they sometimes just don't notice how lucky they are compared to someone else

Dun bother looking for the new blog

because I had just realized

It's better to revise own self than to blame the whole world

Knock my head if I made the same mistake again next time

Crap of the day

It's always better to cry now than cry later

Lesson of the day

Stop being self centered...

response to sc4bkk old post

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/sc4bbk/31367985

A link for Chinese readers for a profound piece. Well, I will never expect him to provide a good piece of writing like this. He doesn't read my blog though, so, I guess I will do a one side response to his blog content.

我们称眼睛为灵魂之窗。耳朵我则不晓得。但是人们的弱点在于太过相信所见的，所闻的。世上很多看不见，听不见的却依然是真理。Galileo Galilei 被软禁因为他不坚持地球绕太阳转。就算是现今社会也有太多被当权者掩盖、抹杀的事实。这个世界有我们不愿，不敢面对的真相。或许更多的是那些没有人有勇气说出口的真理。世界人口以指数增长，相应地每个人对整体社会所能构成的影响变得越加渺小，人们就越不能主宰自己的未来。

Translation: We declared that eyes are the window of our soul, yet we believed much in what we saw. In this world, there are many things that we can't touch or see, yet they are one of those absolute fact in the mass universe. Galileo Galilei is imprisoned, because he believes that earth orbits around the sun, not vice versa. And today cases like galileo happens around us, when truth is hidden or concealed by those people in power. There are many truth in this world, that we refused to face, or choose not to believe. Population grows more and more, and because of that,individual has lesser and lesser influence to the society, and human, soon enough, will find that they cannot govern their own future.

Peace be upon you, but I had to say, I found your statement to be depressing, or even lame. In this world, we had 95% of people who think they should live how the society says, that it is taboo to fight against the norm of society itself. You realized the depressing fact of the world, yet you have choose to be those people who follows the norm. You choose to believe that you have no influence to society, yet you choose to do nothing, you aspire nothing. My friend, no matter how profound your piece is, for me, it is just complains if there's no action and aspiration behind. And because we believe that we shouldn't break the norm of society, we believe that we had no influence to the society as a whole, and because of all these thoughts, we let ourselves being ruled and toyed by those in power. Yet in history itself, there are many individuals , who alone influenced the whole world -Mahatma Ghandi, Winston Churchill, Adolf Hitler, Harry Truman and etc

I know the same thing might applies to me, but one thing though, I aspire to change, no matter how small my power might be.

昨天看了一部纪录片，或者说是在课堂里教授播了一部纪录片，Zeitgeist。它说基督根本就是编构出来的人物，和古埃及或其他文明的神并没有什么两样。（甚至是后者的衍生品）它说911根本就是美国自己编织出来的舞台剧，为的是以反恐合理化自己对其他国家的侵略。它严厉抨击美国为新法西斯主义的拥护者，以及最终以金融陷阱奴隶化全人类。其实如果这部纪录片是纯粹无理取闹我并不会那么在意。反之它拥有可以确认的证据支持它的每一个论点。这是多么的令人捉狂！活在真理与谎言参杂的年代使我越来越难不去质疑任何一个观点或论点。我们以往一直滥用“知识爆炸”这个短语。现在这个年代还有什么东西是不爆炸为快的？真的很遗憾活在当下没有获得多得爆炸的知识之前不能断定世事的真伪对错；而就算已经拥有所有的知识也未必就能找到真理。最终只能选择相信自己比较愿意相信的选择。（就因为这样人们显得那么不必要的愚蠢）

(not bothering translation)

My friend, believe it or not, I actually believes some of the truth in Zeigeist,but I did not mean to disgrace your belief. However in the argument of god, I don't actually agree that their viewpoint stands though. The fact that the similarities of other gods and Jesus actually means nothing, and it is immature to conclude that god doesn't exist because of those coincidence. The coincidence can mean other thing besides the non-existence of god. The explanation somehow, proves that god existed, since there's a common consensus of god features in different religion. You call "HIM" Jesus, while Egyptian, and other religions might call it with a different name, but it could actually refer to the same "HIM".

A story from Christian. There's once a person that wished to find who god is ( he doesn't know Christianity), he went to the highest mountain and after some time, he returned and say something like this.

" I don't know who god, or what his name is, but I know that god exists in three, yet as one identity (Trinity)

I know some of you might know that I'm an atheist, but well..................

Sorry for any misinterpretation, I didn't mean disrespect to any beliefs and religion.

But I do agree that there is some problem in current financial system - the interest system , and also the capitalism of united states. And as the matter of fact, United States is paying for their own flaw in the system. Believe me, the Muslims actually mentioned that the interest system is not a good thing, and surprisingly, their argument holds, and therefore, I had to agree with the clip.

And regarding about the 911 incidents, they are just providing another view of the incident. You say those fact and proof drives you mad, but what you did not know is, - if there's 9 proof that states that 911 is fake, there might exists 99 proofs that actually disprove their theory, but they just overlooked it, or choose not to present it.

My friend, never fear of knowledge, and I still believe, knowledge leads to the truth. When you are despair because of the 9 proofs you know, this might be a proof that you didn't have the knowledge for the another 99proofs. Right or Wrong, is not something you can judge unless you have full understanding, and to have understandings, you need knowledge. So never fear of knowledge and truth. Some false arguments is made not because of fraud knowledge, but the absence of true knowledge instead.

One more sentence to you, I guess. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."John 8:32

( i think i overdone this T.T)

Resume for girls. part 1

"Anyway, I wish you luck in finding a gf.. I can't wait till the day you change your fb status." quote ' MSN hotmail, friend of mine 24. oct 2009"

I guess this is the catalyst of my blog topic.

Well, since I already enjoying (?) single life for 19 years, I guess I should really start hunting for girls here. Well, hunting a girlfriend needs a resume, like how you hunt a job. Though people always said love is a feeling and irrational, I still believe that the best candidates will always win in the game of love. (I know some of you might disagree, but let's leave the argument it in MSN chat.")

SO, I should do an unbiased review on myself, to see which part of me appeal to girls =p.

Let the stress (yep, stress) begin.

Name:

I guess this should be easy. But, then again, this "name" column is a big problem to me since the introduction of new concept "first name and last name". I had encountered few situations when I was asked to fill my name, I will be thinking whether......to put Choh Jin Khang, or Jin Khang Choh? My university ID is Choh Jin Khang, but it is a common for US folks to put their given name after first name. So, I should put "Jin Khang Choh" instead. But, this might cause a conflict since the name "Jin Khang Choh" is not same as my university ID. So in the end, which name should I put?

So to cut the fuss out, I should write "my name is Choh Jin Khang", and "Jin Khang Choh", even though it was the same person.

Preferred name:

I would prefer people to call me Edward, however this is not the case most of the time. I was more well known as JK, and sometimes J.K. Rowling or Joking. This has to account to my own naiveness when I first came to college, when I introduced myself as JK, without knowing that jk was a well known abbreviation for "joking". And since then, I bear the nick JK until now. This cause a conflict sometimes when I saw message like this in MSN pops out

"Lol JK" ___________Did they mean "Lol, joking", or Lol "Jin Khang" ? I guess I couldn't run away from this JK, until there's mass brainwash happens among those "nasty folks" that called me JK, or I protested through any channel possible, facebook, blog, hotmail, but, I don't think I'm bothered to do both. So, instead of grumbling, I should give up and perhaps, shutting down my auditory system as those nasty folks thinking new ways to ridicule the name JK - and examples will be Joking, JKL, JK rolling, Jin Ka or whatsoever.

Girls, I would appreciate you to call me Jin Khang or Edward, but if JK appeals to you more, I guess I had no choice. But then again, this creates another confusion to me when we first met

" You must be JK" means "You must be joking", or "You must be Jin Khang"?

Job:

A humble undergraduate in the university of Minnesota, I am sophomore for this year. However, I didn't live up as a student as I dota-ed (it's a game, don't bother much") , facebook-ed, and slept. I never go parties. I had zero tolerance to alcohol, and I preferred staying in my own coven, and faced the laptop all the time. A unproductive student that relies on sponsor's money to live. Doesn't commit much in school activities, and I would be categorized, in girl dictionary, as heavenly nerdly nerd, however I failed to live the reputation as nerd either because I am not a fan of study.

Attitude:

Low level of humor, low level of sociability. Not the type of guy when girl will say as ladies man. Has a real lackadaisical attitude on everything. Enjoys skepticism and extreme selfish behavior. A rational minded guy that had little sense of humor, clumsy, and often did something that other don't expect. Might be an incarnation of Devil, because I don't believe in gods, I believe human are selfish to the core, I believe there's no an almighty god, and ya, I prefer Darwinism than Adam and Eve.

Dang! This sound real bad....

I know...

I think you might be too critical about yourself, maybe you aren't...

Well, I think 98%of girls will agree to that...

I want some proof please. There's no way......

Sorry if it offends and may peace be with you...

99% of girls in secondary school agrees to what I write (and I'm glad to have 1%), so I should not bother listing out..

INTEC girls: Yep, about 60% agrees, though they might deny it...I wouldn't bother for name calling, but well, I deserve those comments that the girls might had to me, and to whoever that I might concern, peace be within her and may you just whooped me out of my mind, and forgive those acts I might had done.

You are hopeless, why didn't you just find a cliff and...

Suicide is stupid just because you can't get a girl, and there's many thing I wanted to do - travel around, helping helpless, change the world, discover new breakthrough, and maybe finding a girlfriend.

You really like "fantasy" do you?

I guess so, after all, when people are faced with the harsh realities, they fantasize.

THEN WHY DID YOU BOTHER WRITING THIS RESUME?

Well, I had been in a lone world for 19 years, tending to myself, silently facing own predicament, and sometimes I enjoyed companies, but well, no one really knows who I am, and well, it shucks when you have no one to shout to, no one to care and concern about you ( parent excluded ), and the walls can be real cold and harsh...when no one to love, when no one actually cares you, and when you don't have someone to commit to

Then which type of girl you want?

Looks OK and nice, knowledgeable and would be able to accept the way as I am, and not trying to change me. Easy, isn't it?

I guess this is not easy to find a girl like this. She must be a saint, chap.

Ya, I guess.

Good luck though

I think lots of people tell me that when it comes to girlfriend discussion.

..................................................

....................................................

Sorry guys

I guess, some things are better left unknown

Dim light

两年前痴情漫漫

仅仅只是今日前夕梦

只奈何

日后孤寂如何过

唯有圆月高高在上

唯有暗影与我伴随

唯有一杯葡萄美酒

伴我度过乡外的中秋

想对月长哮

诉我心中孤単

只恐惊动月上的嫦嬭吴刚

不想因我一人孤独

到头变成棒打鴛鴦

襄王有梦

神女无心

奈何!

奈何!

唯有拂拂长袍

漫过这孤寂中秋

Weird changes...

Names~~

In this new piece of land I stepped, I am more known as Edward than the name J.K. And also the fact that I will never (or not likely) to introduce my chinese name, and instead urging people just to call me Edward...

Im am trying to break from the identity shackes - the fact that I am a Malaysian Chinese means that I had to mix with just this two groups of people, but in doing so, I started to forget the roots that shaped me who am I - the fact that I am a Malaysian, and I'm a chinese.

In fact, Malaysia politic started to matter less to me, the fact that I am an ex student in Florida, the fact that I'm once a naive kid from Ipoh, started to fade as times goes by. However, at the same time, I am not fully acquainted in this piece of new land.

Well, perhaps the fact that I am the only Malaysian, the only Chinese in my living place, and perhaps the fact that my hometown friends doesn't really a lot...

But well, there's no sadness as i typed out every single word here, I am more bleak. As I sat here, i wondered, how should i represent myself? - A Malaysian? A chinese? An university student? An Ipoh kid? or etc.

I don't really care which identity am I supposed to be, as I am starting to get comfortable in my current status. But, deep in mind, I still thought - is losing the previous root a real good thing?

like a faint light in total darkness, just faint...

In the midst of getting used to myself as Edward instead of JK,should I be ok, or not ok? with the present me?

Time shows.

Emotions~~

Well, this word started to get harder and harder to understand as times goes by.

From a young lad completely driven by emotions, I turned into almost cool-chill guys. Out of my disabelief, I still can act everything's normal despite how life might play a prank on me. Well, it doesn't mean I can't felt sad, but the speed of my recovery is way too fast, a facebook comment and I am down to normal.

And when I looked at my friends' homesickness, complaints of hard work, missing old times comment, i am wondering, why the heck I didn't experience all those stuff, and began studying my head for 5 minutes, and forget it afterwards

But at the same time, I never experienced times when I laughed till I forget myself since I came here, or feeling of embarassment when I will whack myself to a wall, or feelings of jealousy, feeling of longing, well, those feelings goes as time goes by as I started to accustom into living alone.

I am missing close friends company, and this has somehow led to a change I both like and dislike. The fact that I am started to become a more and more rational cool head adult, and also the fact the hot-headed me started to fade as time goes by.

And again, is it a good thing to happen?

Well, maybe my situations aren't that bad, but if someday you didn't any comments in my facebook, you might as well expected me become one with the picture of my profile picture - lone wolf.

Religions, belief, and god

Strange thing huh, that the fact of geographical changes will change the personality of people that stays. These three words were a complete stranger before I cam here, and i am ready to be the evil heretics and go around doubting the god's existence and disaproving people religion (at least that's what people say)

In here, it was a complete different matter.

Despite that the fact American was a free-religion country, it doesn't cover the fact that there's a lot of christian here, and also lots of people that ready to convert you into God's love.

Just days ago, I saw a man carrying big cardboard, writing "Jesus will send all the sinners to the lake of fire, and the next cardboard writing, "Forsake your sins and follow the jesus Christ.", and shouting loud in the mid of the field, preaching from morning to afternoon.

I first saw the person in the morning, and I smirked to myself and said, "If I'm the sinner and Jesus will send me to hell, so be it," And in the same day, afternoon, I saw the same person at the middle of the hall, except that the field was surrounded by curious people, looking at the mad man.

I stood at the field joining the crowd, and listened how the man arguing, debating and conversing with the publics, and somhow I got bored with it and walked away, but there 's one thing I wouldn't forget...

"You will never know how Jesus Christ changed my life." And yeah, did I forget to mention he was a complete failure in life before this.

I am amazed on how people devoted into their religion, they formed volunteering societies, perhaps, as they said, a way to show their love of god around. And those people include chinse, nigerians, and people from other country.

There's one ocassion when i asked my host families of reason why they go around organizing those volunteer activities, and he said.

"God has given us much love, and we would like to share the love around." and I saw how he smiled with belief as he spoke out this sentence. It wasn't something you can fake.

I doubt how much god had helped them in their life, but I swear that I am amazed by the confidence of he speaking out those sentence.

Well, i still self proclaimed as an agnostics, but, the world might get better if more people devote on religious belief, and I, still the heretic =p

10 minutes random rambling...

10 minutes count...

Well, there are ten minutes before my math class will start and I am totally clueless what to do in front of a laptop that is connected to internet. No muc updates from facebook, no new mails, and no more need to check for university email (because I had just get rejected by the university for not having a driver license) =.= And why did they bother about driver license when I could just walked there?.....And i swear i could take 30Ib...i can =.= .....

9 minutes count

Checked facebook yesterday, and I found out that taylor Swift mike was grabbed by Kanye West during the MTV video music award. Well, for people like me that doesn't give a care about the entertainment industries, I actually googled the whole incident to know what's happening, and frankly, I feel pity for Taylor (she cried...after all, it's her FIRST time award and her maiden speech! screw Kanye West for being so unprofessional.)

Beyonce song is good, but i still prefer taylor =p

(lol, I actually cared)...

8 minute count

Taylor Swift song has always been my favorite =p. The first encounter of her song was kinda unusual, not from friends' recommendation nor video. It was actually during an INTEC event of INTEC got talent that someone sang the song "Love Story" and I really liked it, and I actually asked around people what song she's singing. (And apparently to my horror, Nouri was also singing Love Story during that time, except that he's wearing a baju kurung, and except the Romeo and Juliet happens to be both guys, and, and, it felt so distorted......)

I would have voted the girl to win because of the song Love Story =p.

But well, after finally listened the real song "love story", I could swear I played the song 10++ times each days for 3 consecutive days, and I could say, I still love her voice and song even though I played for another ten times =p.

6 minutes remaining

And because of love story, I heard other song in the same album, and all turns out to be my favorite. Teardrops on my guitar when I feel down, You belong with me (the song tht won the MTV VMA and my favorite among all songs -p) when I thought why would I still single, Our song when I feel life's getting slow, Tim Mc Graw when I was on a long journey with no one to talk. and etc etc =p

The only thing I'm guilty of, is those songs aren't original =.= I downloaded it, and in US law, i'm commiting crime.

(quoting Yuin yi) Can I have a latest album of fearless please, for my incoming birthday (it's next year....=.=)

4 minutes remaining.

4 more minutes then i had to cycle to class. And I had to look around the campus to find the one hall among 10++ halls and looked for the right room among the 50++ rooms inside.

It's so frustated, and yet it's so free. Yep! Free!

Cycle around the campus and road in the morning. take a bus if you are lazy. Drop by starbuck for a vanilla Latte if you are yawning in class (Well, I love Mocha frappucino). Browsing stuff in Ebay searching for cheapest deal, shopping in the Cub looking what food to cook, and what spices to put. And constantly standing in Kitchen, thinking how to ruin the whole kitchen with the chickens I bought....Steam? oyster? fried? Roast?

Things are some frustating, yet interesting.

1 minute remaining.

Yikes, cycling to vincent hall takes more than a minute. Yep, i gonna late for class again. Well, as if they cared ~~~at least i won't receive another Miss Asma's hearing for being a late person...

lalalala* reminding miss Asma and her hearing, shivers"

Gotta go, my 99usd cheap bike

=p

The uni life, the insightful life, the hard life, the new life, The life...of U of M

This is my second week in the Minnesota, studying in the U of M, in Minnesota. Looking back those times before a week, and comparing those life in one week, it's completely heaven and earth. And right now I still can't believe I had to clean my own room, wash my own clothes, manage my finance, cook myself food, and arranging my own transport.

Well, I might had the same life in INTEC times, but it's more different, perhaps I could say, more challenging. INTEC's hostel is free, but my current housing's costing me a whooping 420usd. You can mess with the hostel, but not cleaning the kitchen here results you to get kicked out from the house.

There's bus from the hostel to the school, and Rapid KL route is kinda easy to use. Here, it's a complete different case. You will still get lost even you hopped on the right bus, and you'll still blur despite after doing your research route in internet. And well, there's sth more. The bus goes one way and once you missed your destination, be prepared to hop to 2 buses to get it back.

In home, try give a mum a call, and you'll get your money with some nagging. Here? You'll better hopped to your university cafe (TO WORK, of cuz) if you are broke. And the final thing. You walked out from your dorm, you will see faces that you are so familiar that you would have dream them in your dreams, but well, here, the moment I stepped out from the room, expect to say hi to...a thailand guy, a vietnam girl, a china guy, or a local minnesotian. Going to U of M, you might meet someone from Germany, Norway, Ecuador, and more. When Malaysia boosts that they had cultural diversity, I just said, it's nothing if you compared to u of m that has people from 139 countries!

If I'm actually comparing, I will be ended up with an entry of how good Malaysia is, and how shouldn't I take JPA and went to US =.=. Nevertheless, life is not looking behind the shadows of past, or lights of future, it's about present which is now, when I typed this entry for my blog.

And now I had already whined enough, let's get to the things in U of M

People

Yep, it is perhaps one of the greatest change I had seen in the U.S. It is so different in Malaysia, and well, it is so very different from my point of view about those Americans.

I don't know what you guys think about the Americans, but this is what I think about the Americans. What's my sources? Heroes, Hollywood movies, Prison Break, and perhaps American Pie maybe...

They are a bunch of ignorants that will start a fight if you irritate them just a bit. They drink booze and go for ecstasy like hell. They live sex and rave parties They hate Asian especially chinese. They speak yo yo to you and next minute you got a holler up. They are unfriendly, and to sum up, they are a bunch of bastards for the Asian.

This is the thing I thought before one week, and that's what I experienced in this one week.

I lost my way few times, and they offered help WITHOUT me asking. It happens inside and outside the campus...

My plastic broke while carrying loads of stuff, and a lady rushed out from a car and offer me a new bag, again, WITHOUT me asking.

I was given a seat in the full bus, when my hand was carrying two packages of heavy foodstuff.

I asked direction to place for gazillions times, and each of them gives a detailed explanation to me.

For the first time, i saw almost every single people thanked the bus driver for giving them a ride, and the bus driver always greeted back with a " You're welcome"

I just horrified when I know buying medicine without a prescription can result to a penalty, which made me realize how drugs are controlled severely by the US government, and ya, people below 21yrs cannot drink booze, and everyone goes by the law

And lastly, I am welcomed by an American family, and despite his work as a scientiest in marine life, he was willing to fetch me to buy my groceries , my bike, opening an account, and buying my cellphones, perhaps listening to my imperfect English whine at the same time, without showing hints of anger or fatique...

Well, It doesn't give a conclusive view about Americans, but well, those things also remind me that I cannot judge Americans by those movies either. It's unfair to the Americans.

They might valued privacy and secret much more than we Malaysian. They might not get close or intimate to you (fearing u as a gay), they might spoke in fast pace, and you might found it hard to have them as true friend. However, they are overall a friendly bunch of people and unless they are busy, you can always have a chat with them.

Right now, i was trying to avoid myself from mixing with the Malaysian only because I know I would miss a lot of good social experiences. So far, my progress aren't that good. I tried to mix with some international group from Norway, Ecuador, and German. (Texas college were made to be extreme cold so that no girls wear skirt :( , from what I learned from those bunch of people). And my housemate Ian just give me a treat of his totilla after I praised his nice cookings =p. (perhaps looking hungry in the process...). Well, things aren't that hopeless after all.

I shall make my journey (or my studies ) in America an experience I can boast of when i back to malaysia, and perhaps turning to another new leaf in the process.

Sorry, no pictures, kinda lazy to upload

A thought provoking video

Just a question, maybe, what is the system the guy is referring and what is the meaning of system assumed by the cop?

That shud make u though a while..

Introduction

Life in Minnesota-page 1 introduction

Name: Minnesota

Details: Situated at the midwest of united states, it's a state when the outsider will give a big HUH when u mention the name. It was rumored to have only two seasons available, summer and winter, and according to personal experience, it seems like summer only happens for two months and the rest are chilling cold winter.

Minnesota is also known as the city of lakes, which is said there's 10000 lakes in minnesota. Besides lake, there's nothing really special in Minnesota, no hot stars coming, no particularly big city, no disneyland, no daytona beach, no las vegas, nope nope nope, not in Minnesota.

Perhaps the only thing that's special in Minnesota is the unusual cold weather in summer, and maybe because of excess cold in minnesota, it's easier to notice and feel the local people's warmth on others.

Name:St. Paul

Details: The city I settled in, and it's 3.7 miles and takes an hour to my minneapolis campus. A place when largely no minneapolis guy (except me) stayed. And also expecting role eyes when I told people I'm from St. Paul. Well, except that the fact I stayed alone, nd the distance far from minneapolis, I like St. Paul. Serene, quiet, and a walk to a cafe with nice brew chocolate.

Now living in a 428usd apartment, includes kitchen, washing machine, a somehow big room, living room and bathroom. Everyone in the apartment has to clean part of the house, the kitchen, the toilet, and snow shovelling. Being lazy will result to a kickout from house during winter (ouch)

1387 cleveland ave.Tenant:

So far 5 tenants are sighted.(out of 14) The house manager Eb, typically sticks in his room always unless his presence is unnecessary. Has been a nice guy though. His body size though, reminds me of the newspaper report "obesity 25% in minnesota"

There's a local minnesota that goes by the name Ian, and well his favourite pickup line is what's up man and that's cool ( well, maybe "excuse me" sometimes ). So far he's the local that speaks in the fastest pace, disregarding the fact that I'm a malaysian. Now i can get 70% of what he said, but still, the unknown 30% of speech already good enough to cause confusion.

A thai that i forgotten his name. Nothing much about him except he's a PHD. Kinda pity him when he actually tries to speak with Ian, he ended up spelling instead.

There's two chinese I sighted. Both from China. The chinese guy typically never shows up, and I only know his existence after I grabbed bunch of munchies from the party outside. On the other hand, I had no idea who's the chinese girl, except the fact that she looks kinda old for undergrad, of course, with a huge black spec. Since they responded little when I greeted, I didn't know their name...at all.

thats it for nw. Will crap about tiny little bit lifes in Minnesota soon enough

Fly

People around me scared my ass, especially relatives....but who cares

Time to fly and turn over a new leaf

I'll fly

Gudbye to the old me

Potong Saga

Synopsis

A laugh-out-loud film about a Chinese boy’s misguided attempts at opening an Islamic bank account.

Comment:Lolz

Speechless

http://www.benghock.co.cc/

* Visiting this website at your own risk lolz, any part or production, speech and whatsoever is not related to me. I only put this link because I actually feel curious of an incident. Beng Hock, I'm pity and sad for your death, your death has a great impact to all of us, regardless we know you or not but I had no comment, at least not in this blog. *

Seriously, the 7 days before I left, things keep on appearing. Firstly, i was enlightened by an engineer about my career, and now, I was shocked by a 15 years old kid that keep bugging me while I'm playing dota in garena.

* If only I dun care about the msg *

.......

45 minutes ago, I had just finished a dota game, and on the public post i saw some funny things like this.

http://www.benghock.co.cc disucss the justice for beng hock 赵明福

Well, after years of playing garena, I noe public post in garena is nothing but scolding ppl mum, or some genital organs, or maybe some dota thing such as tunnel and zzzzz...and well, fervent dota players don't usually care for politics, not even some of my friends do...

I bet 50% of my friend doesn't know who's our health minister is, huh? And who's the UMNO youth's chief, huh? ( and it's liew chong lai and khairy jamaluddin, , THEY ARE ACTING in SHORT FILM at www.15malaysia.com at 17 august. BE SURE TO WATCH).

Digressed...

And well, i just commented on his post, telling him not to post something like this in garena, cuz nobody, at least dota players, will care about it. (turns out I'm wrong, cuz i actually poked my head into it.)

And turns out this fella asked me for my email, and somehow, sth must had gotten wrong with me, I added him *^&%^&* ( and I still hope it's not a prank from my friend)

Well, in the end, I just put the link on the website. After all, we need people that concerned about the society, regardless whether it's political or not. But one fact impressed me, the kid that asked me to post this is a 15 years old kid that will study for his trial in PMR 2molo ( according to his account). And he actually have the time to create ( yes, create) a website tht discuss about beng hock's case.

And well, it's hard to see youth to actually care about things that happened around us, and regardless whether he knows deeply about the issue or not ( 15 yrs old, might be juz driven by hormone or whatsoever ), his intention of discussing this matter, well, not salute, but at least a thumbs up.

It's always good to have more people care about what happens around the society, and maybe take some move to actually adhere to his stand.

At least I can't do that, at least i don't have the courage to comment sth like this in my blog.

Well, this is the url again

http://www.benghock.co.cc/

You want to join this website's discussion, it's up to you. And I'm not related with the creator of the website ( a 15 years old kid) in whatsoever. I just posted it cuz I'm interested on how a 15 years old kid can think of something like this.

But there's one thing u guys have to see

www.15malaysia.com

It's created by 15 directors, 15 short movies, and actor in the movie include Dr. Liao Chong Lai (HEALTH MINISTER), Khairy Jamaluddin ( UMNO YOUTH CHIEF ), and other famous figure in malaysia. Yasmin Ahmad directed one of the movie also.

Well, I have no view about the link abt beng hock justice, but, this is a must see!!!!!esp for Malaysian student that studied in US.

www.15malaysia.com. At 17 August (malaysia Time ) 10A.M.

The last ten days - uncertainties

Sometimes, time play a trick on you. I still remembers, when my mother is nagging about all those details in US, I waived her advice away, and tell her.

" Still got one year la, worry later. "

And the same goes, but from one year, it becomes 3 month, 1 month, and now...10 days before I take the flight and FLY. I'll never realize that one year can be awfully fast.

And as usual, there are always something missing. I don't get my date for orientation despite sending two times mail, and my request of sending me an offer letter was practically a useless one because... their website for help encountered a programming error and still unfixed.

Swirl of worries rolled in my head occasionally, thinking whether am I actually getting a place in U of M. To conform my worries, I look at my big I-20 and the university welcome campus, read those mail that contained the word "confirm enrollment" and "you are admitted" to actually ensure myself I am admitted. Well, maybe I was just over worried. But the fact stays, I don't have my acceptance letter. A lost in post, OSSP fault? Or is it just because I confirmed my enrollment online?

The acceptance letter might be a nothing, but well, I hope it didn't end up to be something for me......I don't want to imagine the consequences when I reached U of M, only to know my big ass was kicked away from my uni...it was dreadful for sure...
* I Don't even want to think about it *

So, what should I do in the last ten days?

Maybe on a shopping spree to buy needed stuff, maybe attending lectures from the bossy aunt about how to survive in US. ( I think i can survive better in US than to survive in her lectures). Or even go on an online spree and gaming spree before I formatted my laptop.

Well, nothing unusual, though the term "nothing unusual" was actually quite a sad one. I had no family grand dinners, no friends to spend moments at cyber cafe and kopitiam, reminiscining the past. Well, they are all pursuing their dream, regardless in Singapore, Melaka, Penang, KL, Kedah, my best wishes follow. May you all be well and happy.

Things in Minnesota will not be a bed of roses either. Firstly, I am staying alone, secondly, I lived quite far from my campus, thirdly, my housing was quite expensive, fourthly, I just forget how to survive alone after enjoying life of company in these two years.

But as my old saying, happy or sad, I shall emo through it, or just get through it.

Everything will be ok? That's how those movie usually end.

Lolz

Cocktails of feelings - Worry1

If memories did not fail me, or if there is nothing wrong with the flight time provided by JPA, I will be leaving at 23rd August.

20 more days to prepare, and sorry to say, my luggage is still empty, my housing is still unaccomplished, and when I know that I'm supposed to be busy, I am terribly free now. What a weird paradox.

What's my feeling? I don't quite understand it right now. I'm feeling unusually calm, no sign of emo, no sign of excited, no sign of worry...

Or perhaps, I might experienced these feelings of excites and worry until I actually go numb of it...

Well, perhaps I should do some little analysis about those feelings I'm experienced right now.

Worry - Housing @ Others

I think I should be worried most now. Yet, I am now like a * JK 1v1 DoTA with Samuel Law * = Tak tau Mati. There are many things I should worry about, from major things like housing to minor things as "how i gonna save 100 USD per month."

I was terribly unlucky in my housing. There are many times I had to turn off a nice deal * 330 per month, NO!!! *... because I can't pay a deposit. And my only straw of hope is a senior in Minnesota that I accidentally found in facebook. (Believe me, I actually browse her name over 2000++ Malaysian that fly to US.) But unfortunately, she's now having her holiday in Melaka. Therefore, aside from providing me informations, she can't help much about my housing.

Well, she do provide me an offer of 479 USD per month unfurnished...The good part is, I can pay the deposit once I'm there. The bad thing is...

It's unfurnished, but more importantly...

It's expensive, and...

It's VERY^ 100 expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I guess that was my last choice if I can't really find a place to live, not that I'm trained to sleep under the bridge.

So right now, I'm email as many housing offer as I can, and hoping, as I typed this blog, a notification " you have received a new email " (only to find out it's from fb = =)

Secondly, how I am going to adjust living alone there (with no friends staying with), and how am I gonna learn to stay alone ,cook alone, and etc.

And how am I gonna mixed around there, and had a nice memories, like I do during INTEC times.

There are just many things to worry, but well, I'm go through it, even though it might means blurred thru it."

无语2

往事突然间，像电影般在我面前一格一格在我面前闪过。我就知道，他又来了。

你曾近和我说，不被旁人左右才最好，不必看人面色，管人家说什么，你做你的。

你曾近和我说，笑是愚笨的。不要随便就傻傻的，免得人家又看不起你了。

在你眼中，为少少麻烦就搞得要生要死的，全都是一群无知之徒。全都是在温室里长大的花。尤其是为爱搞得连命也不要，简直就是该死的。对那些被女生拉着鼻子走的男生，你更是摇头一句，愚笨。

在你眼里，很多东西都是愚笨的。友情只不过是大家没有利益冲突为前提才可能。神啊，只不过是一个虚幻的依靠。我想，就算神在你面前出现，你也不会相信他的存在。因为，自作孽，承受的也是自己。有麻烦，除了受命运的游戏之下，只有你能帮你自己。与其相信神，倒不如靠自己最实在。爱情嘛，没有天长地久，说穿了，也是一个弱肉强食的世界。

你让我学会了冷笑，冷眼看这世界。你让我在孤单的时候，找到了不伤心的理由。你让我在这个家活了下来，在朋友冷讽潮笑之下，家事多多的情况下，仍然能拿去本书，什么都不理，陶醉在自己的世界。

但你也把我成为了一个玩世不恭的人，期间得罪不少人。也让我成为一个怪异，生人莫近的人。让我忘了友情和家庭的温暖，也让我对人生这东西充满的无奈。

庆幸你在这几年，出现的少了，但，在寂寞相随时，在百般无奈时，你依旧出现， 向我道出人心的伪善，打破了我无知的梦。

对你可是百般心情，讨厌你的现实，你的讥讽， 但我无可否认，在我人生最暗的岁月里，你让我找到了活下的理由，没有你，我可不会是现在的我， 可能在这惨酷的人生，成了一个牺牲者。
最后，我说错了。你非你，而是另一个我，一个鲜少在人家面前露出的你， 却影响了我的人生态度。现在在我的字里，仍然隐隐感觉你的存在。

你来了，我的暗，又发生什么事了。