I remembered, once, years ago, I blogged of a few post about religions and stuff, and most of the post survived less than 1-3days, and most of them was deleted by me, after being informed that a few students are unsatisfied with my post, and at least few had gone angry, as if I conducted an act of heresy/disrespect.
Now to think back, I really regretted.
It reminds me of few things I heard...
'Christians and Muslims are angry when people ridiculed our religion, but we buddhist will just smile towards those accusation. What makes those Christians and Muslims have the right to express their anger but not us?," the preacher said.....
Because, we are buddhist, an answer popped out from nowhere.
Now to think about it, what makes atheism a bad thing to be ridiculed just because they do not believe in gods. What is so wrong with an atheist expressing view, and getting response of being "disrespectful, heretic, and etc."
Why is atheism being such a taboo? We don't commit crime, we live honest life, we don't segregate people just because of a different religion, we don't ridicule other's religion ( compared to other religions believer ).
(Even though some said atheist itself is a crime, but I took pride of having rationalism/reasons to guide my way, instead of religion.)
And my blog, though it's accessible from everyone, is only some stuff to blurt personal stuff, that being say, I can say what I am, and you are not obliged to agree in anything, nor do it shall be taken seriously (unless you wanted to).
During that time, I wrote a post doubting religions and see thing from my own perspective, I ain't forcing belief into people that read the post, nor do I condemn/insult people's belief. ( Maybe people perceive it differently, my doubt being an insult to their religion). However I don't think it's an insult if I said " why it is such such such in religion ABC", for those zealots ( ya, that's the insult to you all ), it might be unquestionablr, but for me, it's merely a question for myself.
Did I ever say your religion's prophet was fake/charlatan?
I wished I could tell those people...to STFU, but since I deleted the post, and tell myself to write nothing about that...
in future, i won't even touch about atheism/ religion in post, but I just remembered.
And I know those people won't even read post ( which to my relief).
But , this post serves a good reminder for me not to shut my mind out just because someone might get pissed.
Update
- After a conversation, I felt that I might be too judgmental to theist
* Not to be deleted post at all cost*
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Home
Mom was nagging me for glue-ing in the computer for hours, and asking me to help her in some chores, while sister seems to be unusual lively today and keep bashing my head while I am playing some unknown games on the computer. However, I know that there's one single inconsistency that told me this is all fake, and the moment I realized, I woke up from my dream.
Hell yeah, I am now in US. All those things...are just dreams. I sat in my bed for next 5 minutes, making sure I am in the reality instead of dream, and pat myself...
" You are in US now, remember?"
And I puzzled myself through my front door, while trying to recall the feelings in my dream, and I don't even know whether it's a good dream or not. Regardless, those contents slipped through my mind...I don't really remember what was my dream...
But, it's dream about home, how bad can it be?
And I had been in the state of home-dreaming for quite a few times, and each time I realized I was now in US instead of in home, I woke up from those dreams. Even though I told myself I experienced no home-sick, and keep wondering why my friends insisting of going back during summer, and I didn't call back home on a regular basis ( yeah, bad son eh =/)...
Despite all these facts, I had to admit...
I missed home, and I wanted to go back...*sigh*
Going back home.
When I was a kid, going back home means an end to teacher's class and a hot meal awaits
When I was a teen, going back home means no more playing games in friends house and doing homeworks.
When I was an adolescent, going back home means several calls from mother at midnight while I was still chatting with my friends
I am still nowhere an adult yet, but right now for me
Going back home... is something better than " staying in friend's house to play game", is something better than "chatting with friends all day long", and it's more than just an end to class and a hot meal awaiting.
I wanted to go home...
* shrugs*, exam...now let's get moving
Hell yeah, I am now in US. All those things...are just dreams. I sat in my bed for next 5 minutes, making sure I am in the reality instead of dream, and pat myself...
" You are in US now, remember?"
And I puzzled myself through my front door, while trying to recall the feelings in my dream, and I don't even know whether it's a good dream or not. Regardless, those contents slipped through my mind...I don't really remember what was my dream...
But, it's dream about home, how bad can it be?
And I had been in the state of home-dreaming for quite a few times, and each time I realized I was now in US instead of in home, I woke up from those dreams. Even though I told myself I experienced no home-sick, and keep wondering why my friends insisting of going back during summer, and I didn't call back home on a regular basis ( yeah, bad son eh =/)...
Despite all these facts, I had to admit...
I missed home, and I wanted to go back...*sigh*
Going back home.
When I was a kid, going back home means an end to teacher's class and a hot meal awaits
When I was a teen, going back home means no more playing games in friends house and doing homeworks.
When I was an adolescent, going back home means several calls from mother at midnight while I was still chatting with my friends
I am still nowhere an adult yet, but right now for me
Going back home... is something better than " staying in friend's house to play game", is something better than "chatting with friends all day long", and it's more than just an end to class and a hot meal awaiting.
I wanted to go home...
* shrugs*, exam...now let's get moving
Sunday, March 21, 2010
A weird confession
Guess I really wanted to say it huh?
But I had no courage to say anything about it, be in facebook, or even in blog, when someone might just get upset by what you write?
Yet the feeling of blurting things out are being unbearable...
And the funniest thing, there's actually a title that suited my feelings today.
So, no-stone unturned, I would just say everything out loud and go to sleep.
Dear bloggie,
Perhaps you are the only existence that will tolerate what I said, and tolerate every single word I said. I am kinda feeling sad right now, but I don't feel like telling everyone to facebook, and I don't feel like making a new post, and letting everyone know about it. I have an image to keep, an supposed-to-be image, which I had been keeping for years.
Dear bloggie, I always say that I don't need friends. But do you know, I kinda frets out when I was alone, and I hate being a lone person. I am not as strong as I seems, being able to stay alone, and not following other people. True is, I don't want people to know I am a dependent person. I had enough of my parents scolding me because I always ask them for help. I tried to be independent, but in the end, I wasn't able to solve real problems about. There's always some friends that helped me.
Dear bloggie, do you know that I wanted company, not from people that will saying how bad you are, but just someone that enjoys having you there in the scene. However, in this new place, there's no really a person in which really like my presence. I was the presence unneeded. The eyes, the ignoring expression, it conveys more than it hurts. And I had to actually putting a cool mask, or else my ego was at risk.I never laughed, since I came here. It was always a forced grin -a society grin, and yeah, I never laughed truthfully since I was here.
Dear bloggie, I don't like my past, there are always people that bully you, that segregates you because you are a different person. Your dad was nowhere to be seen, you are a son of a noodle selling mother. Your clothes smell after hours of working, your hair curls. I feel so left behind in the class, and I never able to mix well with everybody. I never understand the latest hit, and fashion sense at all. I never seems to be like myself in the picture, or in the mirror. I was becoming an existence that I hate, because everyone around me say so.
I was never able to love myself.
Dear bloggie, i had to always make a tough expression, by telling myself I am fine being a lone person, by keep telling myself I don't need accompany. But truth is, if I am not doing this for years, I would actually crumble and cry out loud. My ego was on stake here...
I was really sad today, when someone say that i am a self-centered person, and all i do is commenting on his work. Maybe I got overboard and engaged in an argument, but I am just saying what I said...And after this, I am going to have one less friend to chat to, and I already blocked his contact in MSN. Even though I don't want the friendship to end just yet, I had no idea what to say when he popped out in MSN, and I had no idea what is he going to say, and what am i saying in response.
Dear bloggie, am I selfish? Am I really a strong person? Am I really unemotional? Do I have to blame all of my problems to people around me, or should I shoulder my pain alone?
Can I still make friends with people that called me a selfish jerk. Can I still make friends with people that tell me to buzz off or saying I am unneeded, or do I, after writing this piece, strengthening my heart, and looked things like yesterday, with a look of glinting disappointment.
Can...can I still one day laugh with friends again?
Hi bloggie, I guess after this post, nothing will change, I would have to put a mask of cool and rationality against those people to avoid being called as stupid, and put another mask of independence while I am in true needing a company,
am i getting to become a strong person, or a person that changes himself and choose to deceit himself what to do
Bloggie, thank you for listening....
Sincerely
Edward
But I had no courage to say anything about it, be in facebook, or even in blog, when someone might just get upset by what you write?
Yet the feeling of blurting things out are being unbearable...
And the funniest thing, there's actually a title that suited my feelings today.
So, no-stone unturned, I would just say everything out loud and go to sleep.
Dear bloggie,
Perhaps you are the only existence that will tolerate what I said, and tolerate every single word I said. I am kinda feeling sad right now, but I don't feel like telling everyone to facebook, and I don't feel like making a new post, and letting everyone know about it. I have an image to keep, an supposed-to-be image, which I had been keeping for years.
Dear bloggie, I always say that I don't need friends. But do you know, I kinda frets out when I was alone, and I hate being a lone person. I am not as strong as I seems, being able to stay alone, and not following other people. True is, I don't want people to know I am a dependent person. I had enough of my parents scolding me because I always ask them for help. I tried to be independent, but in the end, I wasn't able to solve real problems about. There's always some friends that helped me.
Dear bloggie, do you know that I wanted company, not from people that will saying how bad you are, but just someone that enjoys having you there in the scene. However, in this new place, there's no really a person in which really like my presence. I was the presence unneeded. The eyes, the ignoring expression, it conveys more than it hurts. And I had to actually putting a cool mask, or else my ego was at risk.I never laughed, since I came here. It was always a forced grin -a society grin, and yeah, I never laughed truthfully since I was here.
Dear bloggie, I don't like my past, there are always people that bully you, that segregates you because you are a different person. Your dad was nowhere to be seen, you are a son of a noodle selling mother. Your clothes smell after hours of working, your hair curls. I feel so left behind in the class, and I never able to mix well with everybody. I never understand the latest hit, and fashion sense at all. I never seems to be like myself in the picture, or in the mirror. I was becoming an existence that I hate, because everyone around me say so.
I was never able to love myself.
Dear bloggie, i had to always make a tough expression, by telling myself I am fine being a lone person, by keep telling myself I don't need accompany. But truth is, if I am not doing this for years, I would actually crumble and cry out loud. My ego was on stake here...
I was really sad today, when someone say that i am a self-centered person, and all i do is commenting on his work. Maybe I got overboard and engaged in an argument, but I am just saying what I said...And after this, I am going to have one less friend to chat to, and I already blocked his contact in MSN. Even though I don't want the friendship to end just yet, I had no idea what to say when he popped out in MSN, and I had no idea what is he going to say, and what am i saying in response.
Dear bloggie, am I selfish? Am I really a strong person? Am I really unemotional? Do I have to blame all of my problems to people around me, or should I shoulder my pain alone?
Can I still make friends with people that called me a selfish jerk. Can I still make friends with people that tell me to buzz off or saying I am unneeded, or do I, after writing this piece, strengthening my heart, and looked things like yesterday, with a look of glinting disappointment.
Can...can I still one day laugh with friends again?
Hi bloggie, I guess after this post, nothing will change, I would have to put a mask of cool and rationality against those people to avoid being called as stupid, and put another mask of independence while I am in true needing a company,
am i getting to become a strong person, or a person that changes himself and choose to deceit himself what to do
Bloggie, thank you for listening....
Sincerely
Edward
Monday, March 15, 2010
......
It was a sunny day, the sun was shinning brightly, birds chirping while happily flapping their wings to welcome the joyful spring. The street was full with people, and all of their faces were lit with contented face, the small city of Bluebird was full of freedom, and joy.
Yet, , there's seems to be a guy that is inconsistent with the atmosphere. He sat on his bed, trembling, his face full with fear.
" Those eyes! Eyes, they are all watching me..." He shivered with fear, and frozen, fearing that his moving finger might result to his death, brought by one of those eyes that were watching him...They might be one of the FBI that caught trail on him, or he might be one of the unknown secret agent from government that wished to shut his mouth for good.
He glanced on the medicine pack on the floor, etched with the word " Zyprexa", and those pill scattered around the whole floor.The teen looked at the pills with disgust, it was one of those medicines again, those kind of stuff that made your mind fuzzy, and ended up being the government's puppet...He's not going to fall for it. He shall remain his own sanity and mind, until his death arrived.
He sighed, everyone around him was controlled by the government. They had fall control under the government scheme, and despite his warnings, everyone seemed to be ignoring him. He's not some guy with mental illness. He's normal!...It was everyone around him that gone crazy.
And now he was alone...deprived from his family and friends...On a fraction of a second, he actually thought of eating that damned pill and gave it an end.
"If, maybe that pill was really a cure, not a...."
He dismissed his thought...He's sure of it. The whole government was aimed to eradicate him, and the only reason he survived was because they didn't want to attract attentions from public...
" Hi George, can I came in?
This is the voice of salvation. His girlfriend, that always remained truth and faithful to her. The one that always hear to his problem, and believed everything he said.
He finally unveiled his blanket, and he glanced on the window furtively, searching for an unknown enemy among those roofs and tree. After some glances, he sighed a breath of relief, and opened the door.
"Hi, dear. Did those agents on your trail? "
"George, there is something I wanted to told you."
"Yes, what is it?"
"George, you are sick. Please, there's no such thing as agent looking at us."
"But they are watching me..."
"No, there's no guard, there's no police watching over you. You are just a victim of schizophrenia... "
" Stop aligning me with people that had mental illness. I'm normal!"
"George, I had consulted doctor, and you are not yet in the chronic stage of the disease...If you will still eating those pills."
" Those pills are poison. They control your mind"
" George, listen up. I had a life. I was on a hope that our life will be like before...Please....Please...eat the medicine...I....I.."
The girl apparently unable his sentence, cried and ran away
The stiffened jaws of him loosens. It was the first time he saw his beloved girl cried. Hundredth of times they involved in an argument, yet it was the first time she cried...His beloved girl, that supported him in times of trouble...and yet, he made her cry.
His heart softened, blaming himself for being a jerk, he swallowed the pill.
The eyes that watched him vanished, and he had his sleep finally, after 3 days on being in the alert state...He dream himself being with his girlfriend, and as....
He woke up, suddenly, to find that the presence of people watching him began more intense. At the same time, voices of people banging the door were heard...It;s getting louder, the door won't hold another minute!!
I had to escape, he told himself, and he leaped out of the window.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Youth killed himself because of Mental disease
Bluebird. march 13 1951. George Oswell, a 16 years old teen, was found dead in front of his apartment. Primary investigation by police showed that there's no sign of forceful entry, and account by witness showed that there's no visitor or stranger coming to victim's room.
No suspicious object was found on victim's room, and no weapons are founded. Therefore, the possibility of poison or weapons are eliminated. In present, police believed that the victim had suffered from mental illness, but there's a insufficient evidence to confirm police's belief.
" There's no a shadow of doubt that the youth killed himself, no weapon and suspicious object, no sign of infiltration and strangers in the past 12 hours. Therefore, the police concluded it was a suicide case. The motive was unknown, but the police believed that the victim suffered from mental disease.........................
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there's one down
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bandwidth war part 2
Case 2: Down- Thomson Paradox
Don't UPGRADE UR BANDWIDTH lol
6 people lived in an apartment, and they subscribed internet and shared among 6 of them. 4 of them are heavy streamers that like to stream video, one of them is a freaky gamer and another one was a blogbloglophilie.
The freaky gamer noticed almost everytime, his gaming experience wasn't a good one, and he realized that it was those streamer's fault that selfishly stream video without caring on other's need on internet usage. The gamer shouts at those streamers occasionally to alleviate his situation,and those streamers felt guilt at times, and stop their streaming...
Finally, the blogbloglophilie, the gamer, and the 4 streamers are extremely unsatisfied with current bandwidth, and after thorough discussion...they decide to upgrade their bandwidth...
And after upgrading his bandwidth, his gaming experience was truly great. However, he soon noticed the speed of gaming decreases, and the bandwidth sucks to the point that blogbloglophilie cannot blog well. And both the gamers and blogphilie felt weird. They phoned their ISP and the ISP confirmed that their bandwidth is upgraded.....
But, the bandwidth speed somehow worst than before @.@.....both of them noticed.......and the 4 streamers also noticed that their streaming performance is better before they upgrade their bandwidth......
Why so?
Hint#: The ISP do upgrade their bandwidth, and the clue is lied somewhere...lol
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Don't UPGRADE UR BANDWIDTH lol
6 people lived in an apartment, and they subscribed internet and shared among 6 of them. 4 of them are heavy streamers that like to stream video, one of them is a freaky gamer and another one was a blogbloglophilie.
The freaky gamer noticed almost everytime, his gaming experience wasn't a good one, and he realized that it was those streamer's fault that selfishly stream video without caring on other's need on internet usage. The gamer shouts at those streamers occasionally to alleviate his situation,and those streamers felt guilt at times, and stop their streaming...
Finally, the blogbloglophilie, the gamer, and the 4 streamers are extremely unsatisfied with current bandwidth, and after thorough discussion...they decide to upgrade their bandwidth...
And after upgrading his bandwidth, his gaming experience was truly great. However, he soon noticed the speed of gaming decreases, and the bandwidth sucks to the point that blogbloglophilie cannot blog well. And both the gamers and blogphilie felt weird. They phoned their ISP and the ISP confirmed that their bandwidth is upgraded.....
But, the bandwidth speed somehow worst than before @.@.....both of them noticed.......and the 4 streamers also noticed that their streaming performance is better before they upgrade their bandwidth......
Why so?
Hint#: The ISP do upgrade their bandwidth, and the clue is lied somewhere...lol
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Monday, March 8, 2010
Bandwidth war part 1
This is a post made after reading some wikipedia post, and also hearing some complaint from my friend about internet speed. He complains about internet speed being sluggish because his friend is downloading, therefore, making his internet browsing suffers...And I made a few variation to makes thing more interesting.
Case 1 - Prisoner dilemma
Cases: Suppose, there are two students staying in a room, the room was equipped with a wifi, and both of them pay equal amount of money to use the internet. However, both students did not know each other and thus they rarely talk much about problem.
And thus, one of the students is know as Mr. H. He wanted to download anime and games. However, he wanted to browse internet as well because he need to browse internet to do his homework.
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He realizes this phenomena occur
1. If he downloads anime and his roommate doesn't, his download speed will plum high (skyrocket 1MB per second!) and while downloading, he can browse internet smoothly as well
2. If he did not download anime, but his roommate does, he will be unable to surf internet smoothly (speed of browsing = Cemara browsing speed)
3. If both of them download at the same time, he would be unable to browse the net. However, at least the download is still running at a 10kb speed ( better than none , A say )
4. If both of them did not download, both of them are able to browse the internet.
And recently, Mr.H wanted to watch an anime named "higurashi", which has a space of 1GB. But at the same time, he wanted to browse the net ( to msn with gf, to go facebook and garena etc etc )
And thus he thinks....
" I noticed that my roommate also like to download anime...but I really wanted to download that anime le. If I stop downloading, and if my roommate download, i won;t be able to go facebook. If he downloads and I download , I would also be unable to browse internet, but at least, my anime was downloading at a 20kb speed....better than none. But if my roommate did not download at all, I can browse the net and download freely YEAH!
And so, Mr, H formulate a graph
I download, my fren dun download - 10MB download speed + browse internet
I download, my fren also download - 20kb download speed + no internet browsing
I dun download, my fren download - no download + no browsing.
And H say. looking the situation, download > no download.....
And so, H decides to open xunlei when he browse internet......
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However, the thing H doesn't realize is, his roommate was thinking the same thing too. And his roommate was thinking the same thing too. So both of them download= result - 20kb download speed + KNS browsing speed....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, if both of them decide not to download, at least both of them are able to browse internet........
Case 1 - Prisoner dilemma
Cases: Suppose, there are two students staying in a room, the room was equipped with a wifi, and both of them pay equal amount of money to use the internet. However, both students did not know each other and thus they rarely talk much about problem.
And thus, one of the students is know as Mr. H. He wanted to download anime and games. However, he wanted to browse internet as well because he need to browse internet to do his homework.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He realizes this phenomena occur
1. If he downloads anime and his roommate doesn't, his download speed will plum high (skyrocket 1MB per second!) and while downloading, he can browse internet smoothly as well
2. If he did not download anime, but his roommate does, he will be unable to surf internet smoothly (speed of browsing = Cemara browsing speed)
3. If both of them download at the same time, he would be unable to browse the net. However, at least the download is still running at a 10kb speed ( better than none , A say )
4. If both of them did not download, both of them are able to browse the internet.
And recently, Mr.H wanted to watch an anime named "higurashi", which has a space of 1GB. But at the same time, he wanted to browse the net ( to msn with gf, to go facebook and garena etc etc )
And thus he thinks....
" I noticed that my roommate also like to download anime...but I really wanted to download that anime le. If I stop downloading, and if my roommate download, i won;t be able to go facebook. If he downloads and I download , I would also be unable to browse internet, but at least, my anime was downloading at a 20kb speed....better than none. But if my roommate did not download at all, I can browse the net and download freely YEAH!
And so, Mr, H formulate a graph
I download, my fren dun download - 10MB download speed + browse internet
I download, my fren also download - 20kb download speed + no internet browsing
I dun download, my fren download - no download + no browsing.
And H say. looking the situation, download > no download.....
And so, H decides to open xunlei when he browse internet......
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, the thing H doesn't realize is, his roommate was thinking the same thing too. And his roommate was thinking the same thing too. So both of them download= result - 20kb download speed + KNS browsing speed....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
However, if both of them decide not to download, at least both of them are able to browse internet........
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