Food of thought of the day

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The power of irrationality
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We have this nice cozy image of human being a rational being. We are...rational. We know what to think, the right thing to do and say, we have our own set of values, and we will always do the right thing to do.

Erm, unless stated otherwise, psychology has pretty much proven us a bunch of irrational folk. There is always one question that I asked, just to reassert the point we are not really a rational folk.

You go to a store to buy a toothpaste. It's 4dollars, but if you buy tomorrow, it's 2 dollars. Will you buy tomorrow?

This is a no brainer question, of course yes.

Then you go to Bestbuy to buy laptop, it's 900 dollars, but if you buy tomorrow, it's 4 dollars. Will you buy tomorrow.

Of course not.....

WAIT...

Why a difference of reaction, on a similar amount of saving. Why are we thinking in percentage all of sudden? To point out, the 4 dollars (or 2 dollars) doesn't have difference if "Hello, I am the measely 0.003% you saved from the laptop sale " and  Hello, I am the 2 dollars you save from 50% discount of toothpaste sale.

We are really attracted in a high number of % , as composed to a high amount of money. A store can publish up to 70% discount on products, only when you realize the 70% discount is on a 10 dollar product and your dream 200 dollar product has a measly 5% discount.

A 1 dollar saving, eh - not so much, oh wait 20%, ah now it is something. Although keep in mind i am referring to the 5 dollar frozen veggie pack in rainbow.

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Anchor
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If you noticed when you are buying some gadget, or going to some unknown restaurant. There is a concept of anchor, in which a product that you don't want to buy influence your choice.

http://www.t-mobile.com/shop/plans/Cell-Phone-Plans.aspx?catgroup=Individual&WT.z_shop_plansLP=individual

Question. If you do check the website, how do you know

Unlimited Talk + Text + Data (2 GB of high-speed data) for USD 79.99 is such a good deal?

You seriously can't tell whether this is good or not. So you decide to "compare", and here's when the anchor gets awry.

Unlimited Talk + Text + Data (200 MB of high-speed data) For 69.99 ?

Aha, just an upgrade of 10 dollars, and you can have 2gb instead of 200mb, that's like x10 of the price. Dang, the 79.99dollars deal is good? But if you will stop and think for a second....

Who the heck in this world will only use 200MB bandwidth for a month? If you go youtube at least once a day , download some pdf document, download some apple or android app, you are very most probably exceed the limit. Keep in mind, i am drawing my assumption based on how I toyed with my android toy. The 200MB limit? I swear it's reached just a couple of days.

So, why the heck AT&T has this plan of 200MB? Could there really a customer that uses a 200MB net on a month with a smartphone? AT&T knows more about user bandwidth much than i do, And they know practically a 200MB plan is horribly unpopular. But why the package is still there?

Easy, the 200MB plan is there to tell you that the 79.99 plan is good. Why is it good? because 69.99 dollar plan only has 200MB plan instead of 2GB. It's a 10 dollars and you get 10 TIMES the speed! T-mobile folk suddenly make you think that 79.99 deal sound so good, because of a 69.99 deal that you won't bother.

 Even when you subscribe the plan just for the sake of the phone, you will find the 79.99 dollars deal incredibly irresistible, unless you don't plan to facebook in your phone at all - which i sincerely doubt. And the fact I point out this whole anchor thing, it ;s not really useful in the end.

I will discuss about anchoring in more detail, but i am sleepy. If you will listen to the tale why am i still awake...

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Emotional

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The Greek once pointed out the ethos pathos logos, which is the three way speech is delivered. Ethos is a emphasis on credibility, pathos is emphasis on emotion , and logos is the emphasis of logic. We are thought the logos way, in which speech is delivered logically. However, as my experience dictates, logic as a way to reason is a horrid horrid way.

In recent wake of Japan Tsunami, we have once again talks about nuclear as a bad alternative to energy. It is very easy to point out the fact that the little radioactive element surpass coal, and petroleum. Go to wikipedia, and you have figures of a coal plant emit much more radiation than uranium, and you have more people die because of coal plant mining instead of nuclear explosion, along with the fact that a uranium mining center has the same level radiation as background radiation etc etc etc......

This is what geeks call a shitload of evidence, although someone could just shoot down this fact by

1.) Mentioning chernobyl incident, a nuclear disaster that happen on a rare basis, and he will show how the city is destroyed, and proceed to mutant baby, along with some background music.

2.) Show you a game of resident evil, and point this to uranium as fault. 

Despite of the apparent logic behind nuclear, those chernobyl reactor pictures, along with the grim music, and those zombies will prolly scare the logic out of you. This is one of the nuclear advocator fail to understand - that emotion is a better tool to convince than logic. In promoting nuclear plant as opposed of coal plant, I will suggest 

a.) dig out the corpse of people that died in coal plant disaster, and picture it as true and scary as it could be

b.) take a geiger muller tube, and measure how high coal plant radiation rate is, then proceed to have a doctor speaking behind how those radiation can kill you

But who am i to say i am a logical being. Early 4am in the morning, when I was prepared to sleep, my secret little crush appeared on facebook. A few short conversation proved this crush might as well ended up crushed. The logical mind tells me to sleep, but the emotional part tell me to wait.

It was half an hour before I finally close the laptop.

After checking my android device for facebook, and convincing that my logic is heeding, I scrambled to grab my laptop after I saw a facebook message of "are you still here?"

To date now, it is 9 o clock, and the rest of the time is spent - ironically, on typing how irrational people is, and reading how irrational people can be - In Dan Ariely's predictably Irrational . the emotional part clearly deprived me on sleep.

Perception of right and truth

This is a very weird thought experiment....
What is the difference between this two logic?


Logic 1
1. Statement 1: I am always right
2. Statement 2: If I am not right, refer statement 1.


Logic 2
1. Statement 1: Fact is true
2. Statement 2: What I say is fact
3. Statement 3: If what I say doesn't agree with world's fact, the world is wrong.


This is a daily quarrel sparked on somewhere in a day....At first, the two logic sound almost the same damn thing. You can picture someone that say those thing is a bigot that think that he is always right? Or is it really the same?


But thinking for the sake of thinking, let's inspect this two statement


Statement 1 is basically rephrased as "I am right and never wrong". No people will like to associate themselves to this kind of statement. It was a totalitarian statement, a statement of a brute. No one will think of them as "right and never wrong", because by saying this statement 1 out, you had just tell the world is a bigot.


How about logic 2?


Statement 2 , at a first glance is no different. But there exist a few words. For one, there is this existence of "fact is true", which somehow implies that there is a universal fact/truth lingering around there. The first statement indirectly implies that there's an entity of truth that is absolute.


In fact, if you look hard enough, the "fact is truth" statement manifest itself in a lot of form in today's life.


- John 1.46 - , "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.
- The movement of 911 as government is doing the inside job is known as 9/11 Truth movement
- There's a lot of "the evil truth of Mohammed" lingering around youtube.
- And similarly speaking, you have "the evil truth of Jew" and "Evil truth of Christianity" lingering around  Google
- To relate to the latest event of Bersih movement, each party is trying to make their stand-point that the cause they are fighting is the truth


Poke on statement 2:
- What I say is fact


- The word "say" could be misnomer. It could be "what I think,do, or say is factual, hence is true. Once you realized the logic of statement 1, you can realize that statement 2 is basically an alignment, that the person said/do/think is aligned to truth.


And this is what separates logic number1 and 2. Logic number 1 assume that he is the ultimate truth, and hence always right . Logic number 2 however assert of an universal truth, and he is aligned to the truth. What I say is fact, which is true - indirectly acknowledges that there is something superior to "I" , and that is the "truth". Replace the truth with a theory, a religion, and suddenly things get more interesting to poke at.


Unconvinced?


The statement "The 911 incident is an insider job in fact done by the government" sound more convincing that "the 911 incident is an insider job by government".  Maybe there's only a difference of word length, but imagine this is a statement told by 2 guy.  I can tell the 2nd guy is more confident than the first guy, but the first guy probably has more evidence that the 2nd guy.


The third statement of " If what I say doesn't agree with world's fact, the world is wrong." is a replication of Cao Cao saying. But set that aside, I think "the world" is also a misnomer. The world will be probably better if you replaced it with "People that disagree with me". Well, it's either people agree with you or people disagree with you on a certain issue (the fence-stander is nt discussed). And it is most probably the "person that disagrees" that is on the wrong side.


Note at this point of discussion, I might poke on religion or some belief territory without noticing. Well, I can assure I am a fence-stander in those issue. I poke the mind, and that's all I do if you are engaging a mind experiment.  Think it this way - Someone that say "Allah is the truth" and "Jesus is the truth" is actually no different than " The truth is there is no god and god is a delusion". All three parties, are aligned to a statement of absolute truth.

But in the end of the day, I don't really think there's anything wrong with people of mindset logic 1 and mindset logic 2. What I feared it there exist an untold statement in result on logic 1 and logic 2...

"The one that is wrong/alligned in the wrong course must be righted. "

Six Facebook Group that should get...(part 1/6)

ground zero-ed. Completely eradicated, removed for peace of mind.


It all started on few days, when I was doing some data acquisition in facebook ( a statistical way of saying wasting time clicking link and reading whines of others.) I came across a status update that sounds like this


Mr. XXX : Who would actually like a Salad page on Facebook? Me


Although really I want to say, it's actually perfectly normal. If you love salad, there's no reason for you not to like the page. I myself are not a fan of salad (although salad is an even instant food than instant noodle). If joining the group means you could get some salad advice,updates, or even exchanging ways to mix salad. By all means, it's a good and prolly wise thing to do.


For me myself, I have tons of like pages, and they serve some way or another to waste my time. For example, I for the nook group that I liked/joined , I will receive a wall update when Barnes and Nobles are going to give freebie for free~ And also for taylor swift, when there's a new album coming out , I will be immediately updated and went to iTUNES ( ehem, thepiratebay actually ) to download them. While some other like pages are a d**k, they won't let me reading their funny content unless I "like" their page, and so I did, and spent another 1 hour wasting time on the cybernet


But sometimes, there are just some facebook group (or I should say likes) , that makes me ponder the future of humanity when I saw another friend "liked the page". And thus, in attempt to enlighten humanity ( to bitch about them is the real thing), I decide to wander around facebook, and dug back some of the facebook pages that should be somewhere in the 

The ultimate location where your secret/failed assignment/ unfinished love letter/porn/humanity top secret ended  

6. The Like-Baiting Website


They appear in lots of form, ranging from

 To.......

Reason to keep away
Those websites will prolly try to exploit the fact you are an attention whore/ someone naive enough to believe that there's free lunch. They appear from "check who is your top fan/who stalked you to Win a Ipad 2.3 , click Like now. Once you click the like, you gone through some serious permission page

those thing are for nerds, f**k it, stop bugging me and allow me to my  Ipad 2.5

You allowed it, and yeah, welcome to the world of spam, and irritating wall spammer. You have just fallen into a like-baiting website. 

Although you guys will probably smart enough to know there's no such thing as free Ipad. You could probably laughed to some idiot that fall into this Nigerian scam, and proceed to click the stalker track apps in facebook....


Congratulations, once again, to another world of spam.To ruin your bubble, although there's some "top fan page" that actually comes out with those "top fans", actually, all what they do, IS TO COUNT HOW MANY TIMES that certain person has commented. That's all. 




Since stalker, well you know, they just stalk like how some dark shadow walked behind you when you're alone, which is something you never know until....(offtopic, girls and guy please be careful when walking alone, although this does not apply to me. I ate beer jerky. dude). Therefore, those apps is useless to detect these kind of people. Then you ask, "I did have some apps that worked! (and spammed some people wall in process). This is what their program actually do. In programming, it's going to be like this 


howmanyviews = (rand (1,100000)) which basically generates a random number between 1 and 10000, OR


(if usergender==male); (female view > male view), (else if usergender==female); (male view> female view)    

(erm, facebook doesn't have gay/lesbian in gender option)

   


Because, as much as you want to know who's your secret admirer, FACEBOOK DOES NOT HAVE THIS FUNCTION built in (privacy, people ) , which is, there is no way to know that people stalked you ( facebook stalker, rejoice! ) Although I couldn't deny, it's innate in human nature for us wanting to know whether we are popular or not. Even I checked how many people read my website at times, but often times, it's a painful realization that if I didn't check my blog, the views on my blog is basically a zero =__+ 

I know, knowing that you are being stalked by a cute chicken kinda makes you feel good, but wait  until you know it is actually my profile pic....you will wish you didn't know

Well, there's no harm in trying. Who knows out of 1000, one might work. I appreciate your bottomless gap of foolishness, but I should remind you, out of 1000 apps you tried, 1000 of them will write something on your facebook wall, announcing you as an attention whore. 700 of them will send spam to your other friends chatbox  telling them how failed you are for having your account hijacked. 600 of them will make your account write some stupid thing on people's wall, and 100 of them will get your facebook account disabled because you keep sending spam links that you had no idea of.


How to identify


1. If more than 10 ppl like a page, and it's not Justin Beiber/Salad/Snow Day?Packers/Ipod , you should avoid it. Sometimes, the world stupidest thing are done as a group....


2. Keyword like "win a Ipad," , fans, stalker check apps, you should avoid (Disclaimer, if you want to like these kind of fan, by all means, go ahead)

ah, the aerodynamic design. So cool, so sexy , you are such a manifestation of human wisdom........

3. Keywords like I can't believe she did it LOL group, or Justin Beiber did this group. In this case, the keyword you want to avoid is LOL (believe me, the big LOL always mean nothing, and if it does mean something, it means LOL, and since LOL means nothing, and if..........(lol is often a recursion that turns out to be anything but meaningful

4. Any kind of page that wanted you to like before they let you see the content (I falled for this s**t really). Particularly when they ask you to click certain button/color to make sure you are human, you are inadvertently opening yourself to a -8 F snowstorm in a room without winter. Btw, just to let you know, if you really want to know the content so much, there's www.bypassfanpages.com for you (I hold no liability in the disappointment effect u felt after reading the real content.

5. If others fail, simply don't like anything. Just think, of thousands of spam emails, which one did you actually believed. 

6 Engineering Assumptions~I loved to make in exam

Quoting from one of my beloved lecturer (Pn Kiran) that teaches English, "Jin Khang, do not assume! When you assume, you are making ASS of U and ME. "

If memory serves me well, the reason she ranted this sentence to me is probably because I like to use the word "assume, or I guess" in most of my daily conversations. After all, the "assume and I guess" works sort like a "get free of "responsibility jail" card ",

which basically means "hey, I don't know whether I've done that shit, even though I am quite sure I did it. And if shit happens, don't say I didn't warn you. Now go and double check this shit".

It's probably the worst mindset you could have when you are entrusted to some responsibility. But then again, never once I admitted that I am good in any administration/leadership kind of stuff...fine, you could say I 'm spineless...But then again, from what I had observed, administration/leadership skill doesn't matter much when it comes to choosing a leader. Because the majority always had the mindset "Hey this guy is cool/outspoken/weirdly weird enough to be our leader. So pick him as the group leader". And it explained why I was entrusted to some leadership role...twice, (because I fall into the "weirdly weird" category).


(*it doesn;t happen on the U. People are rational enough (or perhaps started to know what power-hungry is *)

And yeah, what I want to write again? Oh yeah, Puan Kiran... Yeah, I talked about how my lecturer, Pn Kiran, hated the element of assumption. But unfortunately she doesn't know, that my future career is related to engineering field. And after years of enrolling in an engineering course, I noticed one thing~ engineers love to make assumption (like how mathematician did~)


(that explains why Pn Kiran is stuck teaching instead of working in an engineering field, she hates assumption)

We engineers, in some (or lots) of cases, we love to make assumption like "assume this variable/effect is negligible, assume a steady state condition, assume this *constant* to be some constant value *number* , assume this item is isotropic and etc etc etc*

And things get even fun when you are told to make an "educated assumption", and your solution will be based on your assumption. Just yesterday, I was involved in solving some question that involves some scary geometry because a lot of shitty variable has to be accounted, and the final solution is getting awkward...until

the TA say "thickness is negligible in your calculation. Just include this fact in your assumption and you have a much simpler solution". Whee!

And so, I was thinking...If we could just make assumptions on these kind of questions~...(note, technicality incoming)

Problem 1-assume a negligible value
Given this piece of metal with these dimensions x length, y width and z height, with constant k(thermal conductivity), with difference of temperature (y). Find the heat conduction rate~
My assumption: Heat conduction rate in the above problem is assumed to be negligible

Answer: Zero

Justification: Often time, when we do engineering analysis, we have to omit some term (by making some engineering assumption), so that the algebra involved is much easier. Also, some term are omitted because they meant to illustrate some relationship between 2 variables. There might also be cases when a particular variable will involve you a lot of calculation, yet giving an answer that is close to zero. Or (maybe most of the time), they just want to save time printing and writing textbook, and the textbook writer hates calculus

Don't do this: Because when the question ask you to find x, you say x is negligible and proceed to give a zero as answer. This is like "hey, I am asking you whether you stole my money" and you answer "in this case, your money is negligible.......and proceed to say, zero is my answer"

Problem 2-assume a constant value
Given this piece of metal with these dimensions x length, y width and z height, with constant k(thermal conductivity), with difference of temperature (y). Find the heat conduction rate~

My assumption: I assume that heat conduction rate is a constant value of 1

Answer : 1

Justification: Sometimes, textbook knows that you have to solve a 3rd-4th order of differential equation, and thus, they provide you with some constant so that you could save some time and instead solving for things that really mattered

Don't do this: Because when question asked you to solve , they are asking you to SOLVE the answer, not ASSUMING the answer



Problem 3-assume a working conditionsGiven this piece of metal with these dimensions x length, y width and z height, with constant k(thermal conductivity), with difference of temperature (y). Assume the conduction rate to be TWO dimensional. Find net conduction rate on point (x,y)

My assumption: I assume that the conduction rate is ONE dimensional (f**k it, two dimensional type of question is hard)

Justification : One dimensional type of problem involves a simple plug in into formula work while two dimensional type of problem involves shitty differential equation stuff that gonna makes you bang the wall. Therefore, in most engineering condition, we love 1D heat analysis than 2D heat analysis, but sometimes, people had to go through some shitty 2D conduction rate calculation because an accurate answer is needed

Don't do this: Because you are basically changing the question


Problem 4 - Deriving a formula
Given this piece of metal with these dimensions x length, y width and z height, with constant k(thermal conductivity), with difference of temperature (y). Derive the formula for heat conduction rate

My assumption : Since I bring my textbook, I know what the formula is

Answer  : (copy from textbook, skipping those derivation process)

Justification: There's always a lot of exam question asking you to derive formulas, while you are thinking 'WTF other engineers/mathematician had derived this thing before, found us the formula, and print it in textbook. (possibly getting some nobel prizes in the process)" So why did you want me to repeat this whole shit again! Well, deriving it, often or not, test whether you understand the working concept and algebra behind the formula, so that you won't end up as some engineer that only know how to memorize formula.

Don't do this: Because "deriving a formula IS NOT copying a formula"



Problem 5 - Reality, dude, reality!
In a circuit, a resistor of 5ohm is connected to a 6000Volts power source, find the current in resistor

My assumption: In reality , when you connect a high voltage power source to a low resistance resistor, the resistor is going to explode/fried...

Answer: 0, the resistor is fried

Justification: You might be true in trality case, but then again, how many textbook questions are based on reality ? They just want to train your problem solving skill

Don't do this: Because  1.)you are inferring how stupid the person that write the exam question, and 2.) you did not solve the question. Expect a mad professor to give you a fail grade because of that answer alone. 


Problem 6- My answer is always right  
Given this piece of metal with these dimensions x length, y width and z height, with constant k(thermal conductivity), with difference of temperature (y). Find the heat conduction rate~

Answer: My answer will be the correct solution

Justification: Ok, this is just not going to work

Don't do this: Unless you want to get a fail grade in your exam

Happy Chinese New Year, or wait...

You sure the word Happy is the right word here?

And wait, I just thought of the best greeting card I can have for this year

Hi there. Happy Chinese New Year. Although you have a writing assignment due today, fluid mechanics and heat transfer homework next week, 1 quiz and 1 midterm due next week.....dang the card was not long enough. But still, HAPPY Chinese New Year

I can say that my Chinese New Year in Malaysia are more awesome than this sh*t........or wait...

===3 Years Ago===

Me    : It's a good weekend, dang, why am i waking up so early, zzzz
Mom : Work! It's the OMG Chinese new Year. Get your shirt and work ready, and yeah, btw, don't wear    black shirt during work
Me    : Hey, I had to went back to Shah Alam after....
Mom : Ok, 5 more minutes and we gonna move..
Me    : Ok... Wait me to bath...

===5 Years Ago===

Worker A: I get like total of RM200 from all the customer I served . Some customer just gone apeshit and keep giving huge amount of angpau. It's RM20 per angpau. Dang, this is awesome....

Worker B: Huh. This is something that happens often, this happens like 3 times a day during chinese New Year. hey, Ah hong, how much you get...

Me         : RM2...( No wonder no one was there when things get really apeshit. You guys leave your post and leave all those shit for me to handle)


===3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 Years and on going===

Me         : Why we have to work during Chinese New Year
Mom      : No money. That's why

                                 (humming) Money don't grow on trees, I've got bills to pay, i got mouth's to feed.....(Ain't no rest for the wicked)

===4,5,6,7,8,9,10 years===

Me and friends : Happy Chinese New Year, wait, why there's no one in the house?
Friend A          : Dunno, I heard he/she went relative house / overseas to celebrate Chinese New Year

===(Happen every goddamn years)===

Me : Shit, just how many homeworks left. Ow shit, fine, guess I just don't submit....


===(Happen somewhere in childhood year)===

Mom : Don't steal the kuih kapit anymore
Me    : Ok (snatch another piece)
Mom : IF U WAN TO STEAL THAT MUCH, EAT THE WHOLE CAN!
Me    : (keep eating)

===(Years to Come after the event)===

Me    : Sorry, I don't like kuih kapit. I don't even know. I hate it even I smell it...


It's just some recollection of those "good 'ol days of my chinese new year. And being a negative attractor, you couldn't blame me for thinking those stuff first. I mean, those events always stand up than "celebrate cny by eating together,  spring cleaning, playing firecrackers and etc"

And yeah, I noticed that people in Malaysia start rearing rabbit because today is rabbit year (I presume). Just to let those people know, rabbit is sensitive to its environment, and unless you have the effort of rearing rabbit instead of spamming Happy CNY in facebook, it's not a good idea. For one thing, many more rabbits will die (by human hand) in rabbit year compared to other years.

This is the habitat rabbit should belong!

Well, this flurry little thing eminates nothing but cuteness and fluffiness. Rabbit, as much as I want to rear you, I know it's better to see you running in some random green field than a cage, or ermm....can i rear a squirrel instead?

And wait, if you really need the presence of rabbit that much. I suggest there's one "rabbit" that will do the job way better than this fluffy guy. 

Free ads: You want cute, sexy, wild, fluffy. We all have it. Rabbit? Sure, you can call them anything you want. Chick, honey and hey, rabbit sounds a good idea! c

Opening up the Pandora Box

Prologue 

You sure you want to do this?

Yeah, it has been too long since the nightmares has come upon me.  I think it's time to come clean

You sure? You could have continue doing the same thing. Just left it be and eventually it will be....

It won't. You know it did you. Sometimes only the worst thing doesn't go with time. Like some old memories. I guess, I've been roleplaying the emo-kid for long.

Why don't do it on the 22nd?

I don't really have a time for me. From yesterday's call, you should know there's not really a thing of  good and bad timeing, do you?

Even though you want to do this, why bother writing on HERE. Duh, this is a public blog, FFS.

Well, I have the faith that no one is planning to read this, or even when they do, I guess hiding this thing like some hidden secret would not make a difference. And for some unknown reason, I had been trying to avoid this issue for some long, that I think I shall probably write about it instead of letting it grow, and eventually consumes me without me knowing.

Fine, make sure this is your last emo post. After that, no more

Fine, I will write something like top 6 most irritating internet comment, or sort. Oh, well, maybe some whining sometimes

Here goes. Make sure you have time to do your thermo II homework (and yea, a design before 8pm)

*Opening the box*

Background
Erm, how should I start this whole thing...  Yesterday, I received a call from mom, and things are going in an as usual routine, until I realize she says:

"Your father is going to die soon".

It's not exactly a depressing news, it's like a news of " Internet sedition Act" is coming, surely it's something, but MEH. My mom plainly state it in a "matter-of-fact" , which I pretty much should have expected.

" There's one day I thought your father is going to die, and I wanna to give your a call. Unfortunately you didn't pick the call, (phew). So question, son. If your father wanted to say his last word to you, would you listen....."

MEH, i mean what! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. And the following 50 minutes is me whining of.....life and complaining until my sister say I went overboard and mom started to have teary eyes....

Well, I mean, that's the reason why this post exists, right? Contemplating... I mean, things must have gone way wrong if my mom wasn't feeling happy about my 50 minutes response. I mean, I hate my dad like how I hated a cockroach, but my mom is probably the every reason I will be in US, typing this contemplating post. So, it's my fault...but...

Wait
You'll couldn't blame me for the outrageous response. As much as I can remember, I don't have any "good memories" associated with him. Things like (breath deeply) , throwing a slipper when I was taking a nap in the shop, locking the house because he wants my mother to sign the mortgage, hitting my mom when I was a 7 years old kid, and for the next 5 years, my mom worked like crazy for the mortgage, got herself a cancer in processes, removing both me and my sis a good and loving mother, and deprive my sister of schooling just to have me studying here. Even as I faced the mirror, I saw the curly hair, a sign of my bitter childhood thanks to teasing, and the genetic link that I was his son. And even when I was angry, the anger I had reminds me of his berserker-like rage. And how do you expect...

But, mom and sis, as you have said, I am the least person to be harmed by him. Both of you, one way or another, suffered more than I do. And how could you just forget all those things when life was finally at peace. And sister, even when she talked how she could kick her father right to her coffin, had became rational, and saying things that an elder sister should say...She still remember it, but she is letting go of it

While I was still one way clinging to the vengeful past... of my own father

But
(Breath deeply), but deep inside, you know he's used to be a good father, bringing you and whole family to explore some exotic places, and sometimes if you lucky enough, he boiled you one hell thick of a milo  (which explains why you love thick milo or coffee) , and sometimes when he's back, he would probably bring his dinner , and you and your sister would swarm and finnish the food before he could barely enjoy his food.

Wait, where does these good old time goes. Blame it on gambling? But he's rotten enough to put everything on his hobby...

*breath* . Still, he's your father (ugh), despite that you refused to fill a name on "father guardian" post, because it's hard to explain to teacher that my father was ...erm i dunno, run away and leave a lot of debt kinda stuff. 

*He's still your father, and aside for his gambling and bad temper, he's been the main supporting pillar in you first 12 years

Still
You expect me to forget everything? That pathetic piece of humanoid skull is my father! You gotta be kidding me! I would go as far as changing my family name to Lee if I could. You heard me! He's the nightmare that I had during my secondary school, ranging from filling the form, working in weekends, a stressed up mother, and...and...If the law permits it, I would have thrown him beside the road, that he's befit too....


The problem
is no longer about him. It's you. Don't you notice how you get cynical of people, how you doubted a sincere help, how you dismiss a compliment as fake. And how much you reacted when people point right at your hair (ugh). 

It's about you, those envious oblivious look when others are acting like a kid, while you looked back and despise how bad you are as a kid. You've changed, partly because of the anger you had harbored for years, from a innocent kid to a teen that simply refuses to believe on anyone.

You've lived to see through your way, but you know if you wouldn't insist in your way, there's a better detour. 


It's time, to forget about it. Harboring a vengeful thought to someone that is going to die, is not going to hurt him as much as he hurts you. Nor casting it beside could help you. 


There's a reason why this post exist. It's a portal for you to communicate between the you and the past and the you typing in the computer (which is psychotic, but it works)

Your words above has released the emotions and anger you have always within you, and so, just left it here. Continue your lives, and this post will remain as a stint and nooks of your life has gone through, like many other post you've posted




Epilogue
And what am I supposed to do when the call arrives

Do as if you 're paying a homage to a person that's going to die...

But I still don't want to say the word

Up to you, you've made no benefit for being foolhardy to a person that's going to die

Fine

* Closes the box  *

What is me,
If I should forget those memories since I was young
What would I be
If I should forget the anguish I had tolerated
What would I be
If forgiveness instead of hatred is the choice

In the crossroad between old hatred and forgiveness
What would I be?

--------------------------------------------------Yami