Prologue
You sure you want to do this?
Yeah, it has been too long since the nightmares has come upon me. I think it's time to come clean
You sure? You could have continue doing the same thing. Just left it be and eventually it will be....
It won't. You know it did you. Sometimes only the worst thing doesn't go with time. Like some old memories. I guess, I've been roleplaying the emo-kid for long.
Why don't do it on the 22nd?
I don't really have a time for me. From yesterday's call, you should know there's not really a thing of good and bad timeing, do you?
Even though you want to do this, why bother writing on HERE. Duh, this is a public blog, FFS.
Well, I have the faith that no one is planning to read this, or even when they do, I guess hiding this thing like some hidden secret would not make a difference. And for some unknown reason, I had been trying to avoid this issue for some long, that I think I shall probably write about it instead of letting it grow, and eventually consumes me without me knowing.
Fine, make sure this is your last emo post. After that, no more
Fine, I will write something like top 6 most irritating internet comment, or sort. Oh, well, maybe some whining sometimes
Here goes. Make sure you have time to do your thermo II homework (and yea, a design before 8pm)
*Opening the box*
Background
Erm, how should I start this whole thing... Yesterday, I received a call from mom, and things are going in an as usual routine, until I realize she says:
"Your father is going to die soon".
It's not exactly a depressing news, it's like a news of " Internet sedition Act" is coming, surely it's something, but MEH. My mom plainly state it in a "matter-of-fact" , which I pretty much should have expected.
" There's one day I thought your father is going to die, and I wanna to give your a call. Unfortunately you didn't pick the call, (phew). So question, son. If your father wanted to say his last word to you, would you listen....."
MEH, i mean what! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. And the following 50 minutes is me whining of.....life and complaining until my sister say I went overboard and mom started to have teary eyes....
Well, I mean, that's the reason why this post exists, right? Contemplating... I mean, things must have gone way wrong if my mom wasn't feeling happy about my 50 minutes response. I mean, I hate my dad like how I hated a cockroach, but my mom is probably the every reason I will be in US, typing this contemplating post. So, it's my fault...but...
Wait
You'll couldn't blame me for the outrageous response. As much as I can remember, I don't have any "good memories" associated with him. Things like (breath deeply) , throwing a slipper when I was taking a nap in the shop, locking the house because he wants my mother to sign the mortgage, hitting my mom when I was a 7 years old kid, and for the next 5 years, my mom worked like crazy for the mortgage, got herself a cancer in processes, removing both me and my sis a good and loving mother, and deprive my sister of schooling just to have me studying here. Even as I faced the mirror, I saw the curly hair, a sign of my bitter childhood thanks to teasing, and the genetic link that I was his son. And even when I was angry, the anger I had reminds me of his berserker-like rage. And how do you expect...
But, mom and sis, as you have said, I am the least person to be harmed by him. Both of you, one way or another, suffered more than I do. And how could you just forget all those things when life was finally at peace. And sister, even when she talked how she could kick her father right to her coffin, had became rational, and saying things that an elder sister should say...She still remember it, but she is letting go of it
While I was still one way clinging to the vengeful past... of my own father
But
(Breath deeply), but deep inside, you know he's used to be a good father, bringing you and whole family to explore some exotic places, and sometimes if you lucky enough, he boiled you one hell thick of a milo (which explains why you love thick milo or coffee) , and sometimes when he's back, he would probably bring his dinner , and you and your sister would swarm and finnish the food before he could barely enjoy his food.
Wait, where does these good old time goes. Blame it on gambling? But he's rotten enough to put everything on his hobby...
*breath* . Still, he's your father (ugh), despite that you refused to fill a name on "father guardian" post, because it's hard to explain to teacher that my father was ...erm i dunno, run away and leave a lot of debt kinda stuff.
*He's still your father, and aside for his gambling and bad temper, he's been the main supporting pillar in you first 12 years
Still
You expect me to forget everything? That pathetic piece of humanoid skull is my father! You gotta be kidding me! I would go as far as changing my family name to Lee if I could. You heard me! He's the nightmare that I had during my secondary school, ranging from filling the form, working in weekends, a stressed up mother, and...and...If the law permits it, I would have thrown him beside the road, that he's befit too....
The problem
is no longer about him. It's you. Don't you notice how you get cynical of people, how you doubted a sincere help, how you dismiss a compliment as fake. And how much you reacted when people point right at your hair (ugh).
It's about you, those envious oblivious look when others are acting like a kid, while you looked back and despise how bad you are as a kid. You've changed, partly because of the anger you had harbored for years, from a innocent kid to a teen that simply refuses to believe on anyone.
You've lived to see through your way, but you know if you wouldn't insist in your way, there's a better detour.
It's time, to forget about it. Harboring a vengeful thought to someone that is going to die, is not going to hurt him as much as he hurts you. Nor casting it beside could help you.
There's a reason why this post exist. It's a portal for you to communicate between the you and the past and the you typing in the computer (which is psychotic, but it works)
Your words above has released the emotions and anger you have always within you, and so, just left it here. Continue your lives, and this post will remain as a stint and nooks of your life has gone through, like many other post you've posted
Epilogue
And what am I supposed to do when the call arrives
Do as if you 're paying a homage to a person that's going to die...
But I still don't want to say the word
Up to you, you've made no benefit for being foolhardy to a person that's going to die
Fine
* Closes the box *
Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
What is me,
If I should forget those memories since I was young
What would I be
If I should forget the anguish I had tolerated
What would I be
If forgiveness instead of hatred is the choice
In the crossroad between old hatred and forgiveness
What would I be?
--------------------------------------------------Yami
If I should forget those memories since I was young
What would I be
If I should forget the anguish I had tolerated
What would I be
If forgiveness instead of hatred is the choice
In the crossroad between old hatred and forgiveness
What would I be?
--------------------------------------------------Yami
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Some Friday Night Story
It was one random Friday night, when pubs got full, party got crazy, beers get overflowing and crowds get high, leaving a unknown void in the student campus, leaving an unthinkable silence and chill.
Oh maybe it's not a void , not empty at all, a silhouette was seen somewhere on the lamp. Or was it just an illusion of the night.
The silhouette rises her head, so, it was a human after all, squealing herself in the midst of these dark void. She rises her head, look, and put her head down again. It was a transition of hope to despair, a chance went to bubble, all shown when she rises her head and went down again, a seeming meaningless action itself.
What was the girl doing on the night, a night of absolute void, a night of absolute zero, squealing herself like a statue on campus?
A brief sound of sob is heard, and then it's heard no more
As the view shifted further and further away, thousands of questions were in mind, but in the end, there's only a silhouette in the campus bicycle parking spot, on a random Friday night.
Oh maybe it's not a void , not empty at all, a silhouette was seen somewhere on the lamp. Or was it just an illusion of the night.
The silhouette rises her head, so, it was a human after all, squealing herself in the midst of these dark void. She rises her head, look, and put her head down again. It was a transition of hope to despair, a chance went to bubble, all shown when she rises her head and went down again, a seeming meaningless action itself.
What was the girl doing on the night, a night of absolute void, a night of absolute zero, squealing herself like a statue on campus?
A brief sound of sob is heard, and then it's heard no more
As the view shifted further and further away, thousands of questions were in mind, but in the end, there's only a silhouette in the campus bicycle parking spot, on a random Friday night.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
11/1/2010
I don't even know what to type for the title, because I think I had used all possible title for an emotional post.
But, shrug, I am unhappy today, and I think I need to vent out ( with the proper way ), before I can calm down and get back to my study, and I think facebook was just not the right place to do it. Every 10 - 11 post, there will be at least one post related to complaint. Me thinks that I shouldn't burden another 209 facebook users with my complain post, so I decide not to whine anymore in facebook.
I still remember people saying, whining in facebook is utter fail, and I first, agreed with it. Although lately, I had given a thought of it, why people like to at least, utter one or two complains in facebook, and I think, I had the answer.
It's very very very hard for a person to swallow a day of discontent without telling anyone, especially after you have a day of bad luck, the first thing you will do is probably shooting some of your discontent in fb ( this sounds like me ), hoping there's someone that will tell you to calm down, showing some concerns through the comments, and etc.
To be short, we are attention whores, especially when we are hurt, we would like to have someone consoling us. However, noticing the word that I use (whore), you could say that I don't like the fact that I had to whine somewhere when I had problems. There's one particular example which I remember, when I had extreme food poisoning in a long trip, having my spectacle flying away from me in process. And well, I posted a post on how my spectacle lost in an accident, and the result...well, many notification, but not good ones...
People are laughing at my own clumsiness because on how I saw my own spectacles flew away, and there's no "consolation word" that I'll hoped to have. And seriously, that particular experiences probably pack more punches that losing the spectacle itself.
And few days later, I accidentally read about an article, and it gave me a real big smack. A simple wikipedia link
Self-pity or "feeling sorry for oneself" is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence.
And the moment I read this 3 lines of word, I am so ashamed for myself for realizing that all these years, I had been a "self-pitying person". I had no idea what I had changed into me, but I think the day after that, I seldom post emotional stuff in my facebook. As though I am unhappy, the very notion of deserving condolence is a direct punch on my pride, which I don't think I can do it.
And school started, I got enveloped in work again, and given the fact I had multiple workload, I think my chance of getting emotional will eventually multiplied as well, however, there's one sentence that saved my day.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to dance, it's dancing in the rain. It was a nice sweet quote hanging out in a church nearby my house, and this innocent looking enough sentence, saved my life, and when I had an impulse to complain and wait for comments, I asked myself to smile and continue working in it. The very notion of dancing in the rain is cool, and it's something I've been looking forward one day.
And yet, times goes by, the quote is replaced, and workload however, remained the same ( in fact, multipled because of my active enrollment in certain project ). And I started to feel bad about myself again, and bad, depressing thoughts crossed my mind, and the quote that I once adored, disappeared, although I desperately tried to recall it....
And so, my life goes on a wave of content and discontent, happy and unhappy times revolved and I had no control on my emotions and feelings.
Until few days ago, I read someone else blog, and then I noticed it was a lament about no friends to listen to, craving for love and support, and those feelings were those emotions that I had been experiencing , that I had been trying to repress, and thus, I commented about it.
But one thing I noticed though, she was a very social girl, and no doubt, she should have a lot of good friends that will listen to her, hence, why the whine? This question has been doubting me quite some time, and I thought, maybe a reminder of her asking for her friend help is a good thing.
And the reply somehow, left me confounded " because I am scared of losing reliance ".
This is an answer that reminded me, of the very notion why I am isolating myself, and I feel like talking with her, but then again, the inferiority complex had gained a triumph over me, and tell me not to do that.
And so, I think, the best thing I might be able to do, is to give her a quote that I used to like..."the dancing rain quote, and after some google search, I managed to find the whole quote back, and shamelessly copy and paste into her comment.
I don't know whether she reads my blog or not, but if she does, and feel like needing an ear, she can always shoot me a message en email, not because of pity or etc, but simply because her blog is a good spot to procrastinate, and get back my hope pumped up in study, and it's certainly a waste to have those inspirational post disappeared
and talk about today, i was so sad that...
Huh? I feel much better now.
And now I noticed what this blog for.
By typing every single word in this post, I was directly conversing to myself, and as my mind sort to figure things out when I vented out my feeling, my mind just feel better.
Or maybe because the lengthy post and thinking process made me stop thinking how unlucky I am, or maybe it's because I sorted things up as I typed all these lengthy stuff....
Funny, maybe it is the right method of blogging, a way of venting out and sorting things out in process. two in a time
and shrug, laplace transformation
But, shrug, I am unhappy today, and I think I need to vent out ( with the proper way ), before I can calm down and get back to my study, and I think facebook was just not the right place to do it. Every 10 - 11 post, there will be at least one post related to complaint. Me thinks that I shouldn't burden another 209 facebook users with my complain post, so I decide not to whine anymore in facebook.
I still remember people saying, whining in facebook is utter fail, and I first, agreed with it. Although lately, I had given a thought of it, why people like to at least, utter one or two complains in facebook, and I think, I had the answer.
It's very very very hard for a person to swallow a day of discontent without telling anyone, especially after you have a day of bad luck, the first thing you will do is probably shooting some of your discontent in fb ( this sounds like me ), hoping there's someone that will tell you to calm down, showing some concerns through the comments, and etc.
To be short, we are attention whores, especially when we are hurt, we would like to have someone consoling us. However, noticing the word that I use (whore), you could say that I don't like the fact that I had to whine somewhere when I had problems. There's one particular example which I remember, when I had extreme food poisoning in a long trip, having my spectacle flying away from me in process. And well, I posted a post on how my spectacle lost in an accident, and the result...well, many notification, but not good ones...
People are laughing at my own clumsiness because on how I saw my own spectacles flew away, and there's no "consolation word" that I'll hoped to have. And seriously, that particular experiences probably pack more punches that losing the spectacle itself.
And few days later, I accidentally read about an article, and it gave me a real big smack. A simple wikipedia link
Self-pity or "feeling sorry for oneself" is the psychological state of mind of an individual in perceived adverse situations who has not accepted the situation and does not have the confidence nor ability to cope with it. It is characterized by a person's belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence.
And the moment I read this 3 lines of word, I am so ashamed for myself for realizing that all these years, I had been a "self-pitying person". I had no idea what I had changed into me, but I think the day after that, I seldom post emotional stuff in my facebook. As though I am unhappy, the very notion of deserving condolence is a direct punch on my pride, which I don't think I can do it.
And school started, I got enveloped in work again, and given the fact I had multiple workload, I think my chance of getting emotional will eventually multiplied as well, however, there's one sentence that saved my day.
Life is not about waiting for the storm to dance, it's dancing in the rain. It was a nice sweet quote hanging out in a church nearby my house, and this innocent looking enough sentence, saved my life, and when I had an impulse to complain and wait for comments, I asked myself to smile and continue working in it. The very notion of dancing in the rain is cool, and it's something I've been looking forward one day.
And yet, times goes by, the quote is replaced, and workload however, remained the same ( in fact, multipled because of my active enrollment in certain project ). And I started to feel bad about myself again, and bad, depressing thoughts crossed my mind, and the quote that I once adored, disappeared, although I desperately tried to recall it....
And so, my life goes on a wave of content and discontent, happy and unhappy times revolved and I had no control on my emotions and feelings.
Until few days ago, I read someone else blog, and then I noticed it was a lament about no friends to listen to, craving for love and support, and those feelings were those emotions that I had been experiencing , that I had been trying to repress, and thus, I commented about it.
But one thing I noticed though, she was a very social girl, and no doubt, she should have a lot of good friends that will listen to her, hence, why the whine? This question has been doubting me quite some time, and I thought, maybe a reminder of her asking for her friend help is a good thing.
And the reply somehow, left me confounded " because I am scared of losing reliance ".
This is an answer that reminded me, of the very notion why I am isolating myself, and I feel like talking with her, but then again, the inferiority complex had gained a triumph over me, and tell me not to do that.
And so, I think, the best thing I might be able to do, is to give her a quote that I used to like..."the dancing rain quote, and after some google search, I managed to find the whole quote back, and shamelessly copy and paste into her comment.
I don't know whether she reads my blog or not, but if she does, and feel like needing an ear, she can always shoot me a message en email, not because of pity or etc, but simply because her blog is a good spot to procrastinate, and get back my hope pumped up in study, and it's certainly a waste to have those inspirational post disappeared
and talk about today, i was so sad that...
Huh? I feel much better now.
And now I noticed what this blog for.
By typing every single word in this post, I was directly conversing to myself, and as my mind sort to figure things out when I vented out my feeling, my mind just feel better.
Or maybe because the lengthy post and thinking process made me stop thinking how unlucky I am, or maybe it's because I sorted things up as I typed all these lengthy stuff....
Funny, maybe it is the right method of blogging, a way of venting out and sorting things out in process. two in a time
and shrug, laplace transformation
Monday, October 25, 2010
An unexpected scare
It was 11pm in the night, I was having some "business" in my toilet, toying with my cellphone while I was stuck in toilet.
The cellphone blared, interrupting my cell phone games, and I know, it's my sister again. It actually sent a chill down my spine, as my sister wasn't exactly a silent type person. And I certainly don't enjoy my sister asking me whether I am single or not. Even though I tried to hint her that I am busy, she doesn't seem to get it ( or rather ignore it), and proceeded with her 30 minutes talk...
Well, guess I'll answer the phone, I hesitated a moment and click the receive button.
What I don't expect though, is the following sentences from her...
" Mother has been in hospital " .
Huh?
You can't be kidding me!
Wait, this must be a mistake, I convinced myself to calm down, and ask my sister again, and she came with the same dreaded sentence again...
What? Is all I can say.
And the dreadful transmission started to take a toll on my phone, as my sister tried to utter some sentences I can't hear clear enough, and after few minutes, when things finally cool down, I barely understand the situation.
"Mom was taking a walk with the dog, when she saw an untied Rottweiler , she got scared and get panicked, and fall down because of that..."
Believe me, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. And I asked my sister about my mother's condition, she just replied " a not so serious eye damaged, and some bruise here and there.
And I finally able to relax, when my mother answered the phone, and said that she only suffered some minimal skin damage. And she proceeded on how my aunt able to convince ( or force, to be exact ) the dog owner to pay the bill... and she do it in her "own way", my mom said
PHEEEWWW...............
Perhaps it's a very weird response from me, but my experiences with hospital wasn't exactly a good one. When I was form 3, my mother got admitted into hospital, and get diagnosed with cancer...and I knew it because my aunt talked me through the phone.
And in these past 1 - 2 years and so, I had 1-2 experiences getting an innocent looking phone-call, but turned out to be my mom get admitted to hospital for some another unknown diseases again...I had no idea...no idea...when after 4-5 years of peaceful times, I would get another cellphone call, telling me that my mother is in hospital again...
And of course, I am very relieved when it was just some injury, which is minor compared to some unknown diseases that got my mom lying in the white bed for days......
I thought about all those tough times my mother had faced, and how she managed to overcome it, while successfully bringing her son to study in the university, I can't help but to think my emotional problems are very much petty compared to hers. For a second, I am ashamed...for me making a storm out of teacup because of some emotional problems I had faced during these years
And I think I got another reason to study, shrug, I guess.
Mom, please be ok.
Jin Khang
The cellphone blared, interrupting my cell phone games, and I know, it's my sister again. It actually sent a chill down my spine, as my sister wasn't exactly a silent type person. And I certainly don't enjoy my sister asking me whether I am single or not. Even though I tried to hint her that I am busy, she doesn't seem to get it ( or rather ignore it), and proceeded with her 30 minutes talk...
Well, guess I'll answer the phone, I hesitated a moment and click the receive button.
What I don't expect though, is the following sentences from her...
" Mother has been in hospital " .
Huh?
You can't be kidding me!
Wait, this must be a mistake, I convinced myself to calm down, and ask my sister again, and she came with the same dreaded sentence again...
What? Is all I can say.
And the dreadful transmission started to take a toll on my phone, as my sister tried to utter some sentences I can't hear clear enough, and after few minutes, when things finally cool down, I barely understand the situation.
"Mom was taking a walk with the dog, when she saw an untied Rottweiler , she got scared and get panicked, and fall down because of that..."
Believe me, I actually breathed a sigh of relief. And I asked my sister about my mother's condition, she just replied " a not so serious eye damaged, and some bruise here and there.
And I finally able to relax, when my mother answered the phone, and said that she only suffered some minimal skin damage. And she proceeded on how my aunt able to convince ( or force, to be exact ) the dog owner to pay the bill... and she do it in her "own way", my mom said
PHEEEWWW...............
Perhaps it's a very weird response from me, but my experiences with hospital wasn't exactly a good one. When I was form 3, my mother got admitted into hospital, and get diagnosed with cancer...and I knew it because my aunt talked me through the phone.
And in these past 1 - 2 years and so, I had 1-2 experiences getting an innocent looking phone-call, but turned out to be my mom get admitted to hospital for some another unknown diseases again...I had no idea...no idea...when after 4-5 years of peaceful times, I would get another cellphone call, telling me that my mother is in hospital again...
And of course, I am very relieved when it was just some injury, which is minor compared to some unknown diseases that got my mom lying in the white bed for days......
I thought about all those tough times my mother had faced, and how she managed to overcome it, while successfully bringing her son to study in the university, I can't help but to think my emotional problems are very much petty compared to hers. For a second, I am ashamed...for me making a storm out of teacup because of some emotional problems I had faced during these years
And I think I got another reason to study, shrug, I guess.
Mom, please be ok.
Jin Khang
Friday, October 22, 2010
A small hi
I decide to continue, despite the bitter feeling that has been around me for quite some time.
Time to say Hi to those busy days. And find back the me that can still smile when work is piling up.
Yep, a broken feet and some ( not some, a lot, but anyway ) chattering won't stop me from finishing my stuff on time.
Hello, midnight, as welcoming as ever
Edward
Time to say Hi to those busy days. And find back the me that can still smile when work is piling up.
Yep, a broken feet and some ( not some, a lot, but anyway ) chattering won't stop me from finishing my stuff on time.
Hello, midnight, as welcoming as ever
Edward
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