Speechless

http://www.benghock.co.cc/

* Visiting this website at your own risk lolz, any part or production, speech and whatsoever is not related to me. I only put this link because I actually feel curious of an incident. Beng Hock, I'm pity and sad for your death, your death has a great impact to all of us, regardless we know you or not but I had no comment, at least not in this blog. *

Seriously, the 7 days before I left, things keep on appearing. Firstly, i was enlightened by an engineer about my career, and now, I was shocked by a 15 years old kid that keep bugging me while I'm playing dota in garena.

* If only I dun care about the msg *

.......

45 minutes ago, I had just finished a dota game, and on the public post i saw some funny things like this.

http://www.benghock.co.cc disucss the justice for beng hock 赵明福

Well, after years of playing garena, I noe public post in garena is nothing but scolding ppl mum, or some genital organs, or maybe some dota thing such as tunnel and zzzzz...and well, fervent dota players don't usually care for politics, not even some of my friends do...

I bet 50% of my friend doesn't know who's our health minister is, huh? And who's the UMNO youth's chief, huh? ( and it's liew chong lai and khairy jamaluddin, , THEY ARE ACTING in SHORT FILM at www.15malaysia.com at 17 august. BE SURE TO WATCH).

Digressed...

And well, i just commented on his post, telling him not to post something like this in garena, cuz nobody, at least dota players, will care about it. (turns out I'm wrong, cuz i actually poked my head into it.)

And turns out this fella asked me for my email, and somehow, sth must had gotten wrong with me, I added him *^&%^&* ( and I still hope it's not a prank from my friend)

Well, in the end, I just put the link on the website. After all, we need people that concerned about the society, regardless whether it's political or not. But one fact impressed me, the kid that asked me to post this is a 15 years old kid that will study for his trial in PMR 2molo ( according to his account). And he actually have the time to create ( yes, create) a website tht discuss about beng hock's case.

And well, it's hard to see youth to actually care about things that happened around us, and regardless whether he knows deeply about the issue or not ( 15 yrs old, might be juz driven by hormone or whatsoever ), his intention of discussing this matter, well, not salute, but at least a thumbs up.

It's always good to have more people care about what happens around the society, and maybe take some move to actually adhere to his stand.

At least I can't do that, at least i don't have the courage to comment sth like this in my blog.

Well, this is the url again

http://www.benghock.co.cc/

You want to join this website's discussion, it's up to you. And I'm not related with the creator of the website ( a 15 years old kid) in whatsoever. I just posted it cuz I'm interested on how a 15 years old kid can think of something like this.

But there's one thing u guys have to see

www.15malaysia.com

It's created by 15 directors, 15 short movies, and actor in the movie include Dr. Liao Chong Lai (HEALTH MINISTER), Khairy Jamaluddin ( UMNO YOUTH CHIEF ), and other famous figure in malaysia. Yasmin Ahmad directed one of the movie also.

Well, I have no view about the link abt beng hock justice, but, this is a must see!!!!!esp for Malaysian student that studied in US.

www.15malaysia.com. At 17 August (malaysia Time ) 10A.M.

The last ten days - uncertainties

Sometimes, time play a trick on you. I still remembers, when my mother is nagging about all those details in US, I waived her advice away, and tell her.

" Still got one year la, worry later. "

And the same goes, but from one year, it becomes 3 month, 1 month, and now...10 days before I take the flight and FLY. I'll never realize that one year can be awfully fast.

And as usual, there are always something missing. I don't get my date for orientation despite sending two times mail, and my request of sending me an offer letter was practically a useless one because... their website for help encountered a programming error and still unfixed.

Swirl of worries rolled in my head occasionally, thinking whether am I actually getting a place in U of M. To conform my worries, I look at my big I-20 and the university welcome campus, read those mail that contained the word "confirm enrollment" and "you are admitted" to actually ensure myself I am admitted. Well, maybe I was just over worried. But the fact stays, I don't have my acceptance letter. A lost in post, OSSP fault? Or is it just because I confirmed my enrollment online?

The acceptance letter might be a nothing, but well, I hope it didn't end up to be something for me......I don't want to imagine the consequences when I reached U of M, only to know my big ass was kicked away from my uni...it was dreadful for sure...
* I Don't even want to think about it *

So, what should I do in the last ten days?

Maybe on a shopping spree to buy needed stuff, maybe attending lectures from the bossy aunt about how to survive in US. ( I think i can survive better in US than to survive in her lectures). Or even go on an online spree and gaming spree before I formatted my laptop.

Well, nothing unusual, though the term "nothing unusual" was actually quite a sad one. I had no family grand dinners, no friends to spend moments at cyber cafe and kopitiam, reminiscining the past. Well, they are all pursuing their dream, regardless in Singapore, Melaka, Penang, KL, Kedah, my best wishes follow. May you all be well and happy.

Things in Minnesota will not be a bed of roses either. Firstly, I am staying alone, secondly, I lived quite far from my campus, thirdly, my housing was quite expensive, fourthly, I just forget how to survive alone after enjoying life of company in these two years.

But as my old saying, happy or sad, I shall emo through it, or just get through it.

Everything will be ok? That's how those movie usually end.

Lolz

Cocktails of feelings - Worry1

If memories did not fail me, or if there is nothing wrong with the flight time provided by JPA, I will be leaving at 23rd August.

20 more days to prepare, and sorry to say, my luggage is still empty, my housing is still unaccomplished, and when I know that I'm supposed to be busy, I am terribly free now. What a weird paradox.

What's my feeling? I don't quite understand it right now. I'm feeling unusually calm, no sign of emo, no sign of excited, no sign of worry...

Or perhaps, I might experienced these feelings of excites and worry until I actually go numb of it...

Well, perhaps I should do some little analysis about those feelings I'm experienced right now.

Worry - Housing @ Others

I think I should be worried most now. Yet, I am now like a * JK 1v1 DoTA with Samuel Law * = Tak tau Mati. There are many things I should worry about, from major things like housing to minor things as "how i gonna save 100 USD per month."

I was terribly unlucky in my housing. There are many times I had to turn off a nice deal * 330 per month, NO!!! *... because I can't pay a deposit. And my only straw of hope is a senior in Minnesota that I accidentally found in facebook. (Believe me, I actually browse her name over 2000++ Malaysian that fly to US.) But unfortunately, she's now having her holiday in Melaka. Therefore, aside from providing me informations, she can't help much about my housing.

Well, she do provide me an offer of 479 USD per month unfurnished...The good part is, I can pay the deposit once I'm there. The bad thing is...

It's unfurnished, but more importantly...

It's expensive, and...

It's VERY^ 100 expensive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I guess that was my last choice if I can't really find a place to live, not that I'm trained to sleep under the bridge.

So right now, I'm email as many housing offer as I can, and hoping, as I typed this blog, a notification " you have received a new email " (only to find out it's from fb = =)

Secondly, how I am going to adjust living alone there (with no friends staying with), and how am I gonna learn to stay alone ,cook alone, and etc.

And how am I gonna mixed around there, and had a nice memories, like I do during INTEC times.

There are just many things to worry, but well, I'm go through it, even though it might means blurred thru it."

无语2

往事突然间，像电影般在我面前一格一格在我面前闪过。我就知道，他又来了。

你曾近和我说，不被旁人左右才最好，不必看人面色，管人家说什么，你做你的。

你曾近和我说，笑是愚笨的。不要随便就傻傻的，免得人家又看不起你了。

在你眼中，为少少麻烦就搞得要生要死的，全都是一群无知之徒。全都是在温室里长大的花。尤其是为爱搞得连命也不要，简直就是该死的。对那些被女生拉着鼻子走的男生，你更是摇头一句，愚笨。

在你眼里，很多东西都是愚笨的。友情只不过是大家没有利益冲突为前提才可能。神啊，只不过是一个虚幻的依靠。我想，就算神在你面前出现，你也不会相信他的存在。因为，自作孽，承受的也是自己。有麻烦，除了受命运的游戏之下，只有你能帮你自己。与其相信神，倒不如靠自己最实在。爱情嘛，没有天长地久，说穿了，也是一个弱肉强食的世界。

你让我学会了冷笑，冷眼看这世界。你让我在孤单的时候，找到了不伤心的理由。你让我在这个家活了下来，在朋友冷讽潮笑之下，家事多多的情况下，仍然能拿去本书，什么都不理，陶醉在自己的世界。

但你也把我成为了一个玩世不恭的人，期间得罪不少人。也让我成为一个怪异，生人莫近的人。让我忘了友情和家庭的温暖，也让我对人生这东西充满的无奈。

庆幸你在这几年，出现的少了，但，在寂寞相随时，在百般无奈时，你依旧出现， 向我道出人心的伪善，打破了我无知的梦。

对你可是百般心情，讨厌你的现实，你的讥讽， 但我无可否认，在我人生最暗的岁月里，你让我找到了活下的理由，没有你，我可不会是现在的我， 可能在这惨酷的人生，成了一个牺牲者。
最后，我说错了。你非你，而是另一个我，一个鲜少在人家面前露出的你， 却影响了我的人生态度。现在在我的字里，仍然隐隐感觉你的存在。

你来了，我的暗，又发生什么事了。

A new look

Just changed the title, the page of my blog...

It look a little bit new for me, and well, it is somehow not user-friendly, and well, maybe i need some time to adjust to it.

But well, some of you night ask me, why twilight?

If the answer is, because you're Edward ( I'm nt Edward Cullen ZOMG, stop this practical cold joke), or because you a fan of Twilight (Twilight Zone TV series, YES, but Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, nope).

Then, why Twilight?

Title: Twilight

The first time I met the word "twilight" is during my form 3 years, when a tv channel broadcasted a 70ties (or older?) series named thee twilight zone (i think it's a revised series). During that time, I was no fans to any English TV series, but the intro of the series stunned me and I ended watching the first few series of the movie (and scared to my ass, even now == ).

A scene of twilight is hard to see, and i think, in my 19years old, I only witnessed the scene of twilight less than 5 times. One of the best scene I had enjoyed most is in the Sepang BTN camp. I felt lucky that time for not sleeping for another 30 mins during that time, and also ditching those friends that scared of discipline action that might follow if climbing the tower without permission.

It feels really great, when the wind blows, the yellow radiant shined the whole sky, and for one moment, the sky and the beach was shimmering goldish. And those soothing wind, those glimmers, washed my fatigue during that time, and perhaps my only regret is not having a camera during that time.

A twilight scene is always a distant one, as the composition (sound like chem) of light and dark had to be balanced. If the sky's too bright and you'll never able to notice the radiant, and if the sky's too dark ,u won't have a chance to see any light at all. It need the exact twitch of light and darkness to make it beautiful, and thus making it distance.

Twilight is always beautiful, it's the border of day and night, light and dark.

Like a twilight,, our life needs a mixture of light and darkness within us. Life's gonna too boring if we keep being an obedient kid all the time, and well, life's gonna be way hard if you run amok. Well, life needs not only wisdom, calmness, but also some amount of silliness and rush to spice it out. Viewing from this perspective, isn't our life like a twilight.

Not to mention, a twilight indicates a sunrise and sunset, the start and the end of a day. Just when we thought we had met the sunset in our lives, who knows, the twilight we saw in our life actually indicates a sunrise, a new chance to kick alive. It's only up to us to see how the twilight itself.

Now, I guess I'm seen a twilight in my life, and I'm pretty sure this is the sunrise of my life, and emo through it, life kicking through it, I shall run through it, and even I shall fail to see the sun, at least I had seen a beautiful twilight before.

* what a positive post * = =

P.S. I am a little bit piss off when I googled for twilight pictures in google image, and turned out the first 17 PAGES of the result is all the scene in movie "twilight"...A really hard earned picture, ya know...

Nature of Dreams Part 2

* Just how to write the part 2 *....

Youth is the time when we knitted our dreams.

Youth is our time when even the most ridiculous dream is tolerated, from being a millionaire to things like conquering the world.

Youth is time when dreams are made just because we could dream about it, but not whether we could achieve it or not.

And perhaps, the best things in our youth, is perhaps dream itself, even though the dreams we made might be a show of blissful ignorance or complete naivity, it gaves us the hopes, and perhaps, define meaning of the youth itself.

Well, I might had oversay it, but those dreams were once my purpose of life, at least they are, once...

And I believe they are ur purpose of life, at least, once....

**********************************************************************************

However, as times goes by, we started to lose the courage to dream. The dreams once we considered as beautiful, becomes only a sign of unrealistic and immaturity. Even, dreams are started to be forgotten, maybe because of a game of fate, or simply because, the dreams we had are simply to unrealistic to exist in this realistic world.

As we stepped our path of adolescene to adult, perhaps somehow unknowingly, we had paid the price of maturity with the ability to dream, when we are stuffed with the concepts

"engineer is better than a mere photographer, so go for engineer" or things like

"How am I gonna survive by becoming some unknown artist with RM600 wage?"

And we forget how to dream, or perhaps, dare not to dream

**********************************************************************************

As we stepped toward maturity, we lose the courage to dream

A dreams is luxurious, when we had to worry whether we could make it, whether the dream is realistic enough to achieve, and all those stuff we wouldn't worry when we are young.

Or perhaps, we had simply forget our dreams, the things that bring us to where we now.

So, in the midst of assignments, homework, and all those stuffing work, can some of us simply take a simple coffee break, and ask ourselves

What are our dreams?

Once?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<=

(P.S.) The JPA online psychology tests are perhaps the reason why I came out with this weird post. It suddenly reminds me that how many of us, my friends that had chosen the path of engineers, doctors, and biologists, really commit themselves to the path they believe, as if their career are their dreams, or at least, leap stones for their faith.

For somehow I believe, some of us take the intended course , is only because JPA offered a scholarship, and one of my friends had actually told me that her dream career was totally helluva not engineering.

Yet when I asked her why she take this engineering scholarship, she just replied, because JPA only offer scholarship in science subjects. And it makes me wonder, how many of us actually ended up like my friend?

Well, I didn't mean to question this behavior, but maybe just a reminder from an old friend, never forget your dream.

At least, the friend tht talked to me didn't forget.

Nature oF dreams part 1

Lately, I had been writing my blog in Chinese. Although struggling on the Chinese characters, but somehow I am very satisfied with the blog piece. But well, I think I should be writing in English, just in case some of readers are clueless about Chinese…

* Well, do I have constant blog readers to begin with? Hmm……Well, here goes *

Dreams...part 1

We all stepped from the age of childhood, to a very unique stage, when we are neither labeled as childish nor mature – a stage of adolescent. It was perhaps the stage when we start knitting our dreams, be it as simple as having a girlfriend, to dreams such as world peace and conquering the world.

It was perhaps the decisive stage that gave birth to those figures such as Shakespeare, Hitler, Speilberg, Franklin and others. Regardless of whether they are the best fgures of their times, or the most villainous guy in the world, they are those people who take great steps in achieving their dreams. And I believe they will have no regrets even death sends them to their grave.

However, dreams are not meant to be grasped easily. Perhaps there are a many unknown Shakespeare, Beethoven; Jay Chou is still lurking around the world, even around us, but with their talent gone unnoticed. Even some of them prevailed, by fate or by luck, most of perhaps ended up their talent gone unnoticed and their “Symphonies” and “poems” might be covered in the dust forever.

Some of them ended up miserably because of insisting on their own dream, often finding themselves between a struggle of bread or ambitions. While others relented of the harsh truth of reality, and ended up doing those things they dislike, and perhaps, leaving the world with a trace of regret because of their unachieved dreams.

For me though, unachieved dreams are not the most fearful thing. Being not able to dream, or dare not to dream, might be something that is more fearful instead. They are perhaps, those people that had living in places when survival is not certain. They might also, perhaps, people that haven’t given a choice to dream because their road had already decided by their parents, without chances to argue. Or they might just people that dare not to face those mishaps, prefer conforming to “realistic thinking” than risking facing trouble in the process.

And now I’m figuring which group of people am I supposed to be, on the dark midst night when all of my friends had already slept.