无语2

往事突然间，像电影般在我面前一格一格在我面前闪过。我就知道，他又来了。

你曾近和我说，不被旁人左右才最好，不必看人面色，管人家说什么，你做你的。

你曾近和我说，笑是愚笨的。不要随便就傻傻的，免得人家又看不起你了。

在你眼中，为少少麻烦就搞得要生要死的，全都是一群无知之徒。全都是在温室里长大的花。尤其是为爱搞得连命也不要，简直就是该死的。对那些被女生拉着鼻子走的男生，你更是摇头一句，愚笨。

在你眼里，很多东西都是愚笨的。友情只不过是大家没有利益冲突为前提才可能。神啊，只不过是一个虚幻的依靠。我想，就算神在你面前出现，你也不会相信他的存在。因为，自作孽，承受的也是自己。有麻烦，除了受命运的游戏之下，只有你能帮你自己。与其相信神，倒不如靠自己最实在。爱情嘛，没有天长地久，说穿了，也是一个弱肉强食的世界。

你让我学会了冷笑，冷眼看这世界。你让我在孤单的时候，找到了不伤心的理由。你让我在这个家活了下来，在朋友冷讽潮笑之下，家事多多的情况下，仍然能拿去本书，什么都不理，陶醉在自己的世界。

但你也把我成为了一个玩世不恭的人，期间得罪不少人。也让我成为一个怪异，生人莫近的人。让我忘了友情和家庭的温暖，也让我对人生这东西充满的无奈。

庆幸你在这几年，出现的少了，但，在寂寞相随时，在百般无奈时，你依旧出现， 向我道出人心的伪善，打破了我无知的梦。

对你可是百般心情，讨厌你的现实，你的讥讽， 但我无可否认，在我人生最暗的岁月里，你让我找到了活下的理由，没有你，我可不会是现在的我， 可能在这惨酷的人生，成了一个牺牲者。
最后，我说错了。你非你，而是另一个我，一个鲜少在人家面前露出的你， 却影响了我的人生态度。现在在我的字里，仍然隐隐感觉你的存在。

你来了，我的暗，又发生什么事了。

A new look

Just changed the title, the page of my blog...

It look a little bit new for me, and well, it is somehow not user-friendly, and well, maybe i need some time to adjust to it.

But well, some of you night ask me, why twilight?

If the answer is, because you're Edward ( I'm nt Edward Cullen ZOMG, stop this practical cold joke), or because you a fan of Twilight (Twilight Zone TV series, YES, but Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, nope).

Then, why Twilight?

Title: Twilight

The first time I met the word "twilight" is during my form 3 years, when a tv channel broadcasted a 70ties (or older?) series named thee twilight zone (i think it's a revised series). During that time, I was no fans to any English TV series, but the intro of the series stunned me and I ended watching the first few series of the movie (and scared to my ass, even now == ).

A scene of twilight is hard to see, and i think, in my 19years old, I only witnessed the scene of twilight less than 5 times. One of the best scene I had enjoyed most is in the Sepang BTN camp. I felt lucky that time for not sleeping for another 30 mins during that time, and also ditching those friends that scared of discipline action that might follow if climbing the tower without permission.

It feels really great, when the wind blows, the yellow radiant shined the whole sky, and for one moment, the sky and the beach was shimmering goldish. And those soothing wind, those glimmers, washed my fatigue during that time, and perhaps my only regret is not having a camera during that time.

A twilight scene is always a distant one, as the composition (sound like chem) of light and dark had to be balanced. If the sky's too bright and you'll never able to notice the radiant, and if the sky's too dark ,u won't have a chance to see any light at all. It need the exact twitch of light and darkness to make it beautiful, and thus making it distance.

Twilight is always beautiful, it's the border of day and night, light and dark.

Like a twilight,, our life needs a mixture of light and darkness within us. Life's gonna too boring if we keep being an obedient kid all the time, and well, life's gonna be way hard if you run amok. Well, life needs not only wisdom, calmness, but also some amount of silliness and rush to spice it out. Viewing from this perspective, isn't our life like a twilight.

Not to mention, a twilight indicates a sunrise and sunset, the start and the end of a day. Just when we thought we had met the sunset in our lives, who knows, the twilight we saw in our life actually indicates a sunrise, a new chance to kick alive. It's only up to us to see how the twilight itself.

Now, I guess I'm seen a twilight in my life, and I'm pretty sure this is the sunrise of my life, and emo through it, life kicking through it, I shall run through it, and even I shall fail to see the sun, at least I had seen a beautiful twilight before.

* what a positive post * = =

P.S. I am a little bit piss off when I googled for twilight pictures in google image, and turned out the first 17 PAGES of the result is all the scene in movie "twilight"...A really hard earned picture, ya know...

Nature of Dreams Part 2

* Just how to write the part 2 *....

Youth is the time when we knitted our dreams.

Youth is our time when even the most ridiculous dream is tolerated, from being a millionaire to things like conquering the world.

Youth is time when dreams are made just because we could dream about it, but not whether we could achieve it or not.

And perhaps, the best things in our youth, is perhaps dream itself, even though the dreams we made might be a show of blissful ignorance or complete naivity, it gaves us the hopes, and perhaps, define meaning of the youth itself.

Well, I might had oversay it, but those dreams were once my purpose of life, at least they are, once...

And I believe they are ur purpose of life, at least, once....

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However, as times goes by, we started to lose the courage to dream. The dreams once we considered as beautiful, becomes only a sign of unrealistic and immaturity. Even, dreams are started to be forgotten, maybe because of a game of fate, or simply because, the dreams we had are simply to unrealistic to exist in this realistic world.

As we stepped our path of adolescene to adult, perhaps somehow unknowingly, we had paid the price of maturity with the ability to dream, when we are stuffed with the concepts

"engineer is better than a mere photographer, so go for engineer" or things like

"How am I gonna survive by becoming some unknown artist with RM600 wage?"

And we forget how to dream, or perhaps, dare not to dream

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As we stepped toward maturity, we lose the courage to dream

A dreams is luxurious, when we had to worry whether we could make it, whether the dream is realistic enough to achieve, and all those stuff we wouldn't worry when we are young.

Or perhaps, we had simply forget our dreams, the things that bring us to where we now.

So, in the midst of assignments, homework, and all those stuffing work, can some of us simply take a simple coffee break, and ask ourselves

What are our dreams?

Once?

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(P.S.) The JPA online psychology tests are perhaps the reason why I came out with this weird post. It suddenly reminds me that how many of us, my friends that had chosen the path of engineers, doctors, and biologists, really commit themselves to the path they believe, as if their career are their dreams, or at least, leap stones for their faith.

For somehow I believe, some of us take the intended course , is only because JPA offered a scholarship, and one of my friends had actually told me that her dream career was totally helluva not engineering.

Yet when I asked her why she take this engineering scholarship, she just replied, because JPA only offer scholarship in science subjects. And it makes me wonder, how many of us actually ended up like my friend?

Well, I didn't mean to question this behavior, but maybe just a reminder from an old friend, never forget your dream.

At least, the friend tht talked to me didn't forget.

Nature oF dreams part 1

Lately, I had been writing my blog in Chinese. Although struggling on the Chinese characters, but somehow I am very satisfied with the blog piece. But well, I think I should be writing in English, just in case some of readers are clueless about Chinese…

* Well, do I have constant blog readers to begin with? Hmm……Well, here goes *

Dreams...part 1

We all stepped from the age of childhood, to a very unique stage, when we are neither labeled as childish nor mature – a stage of adolescent. It was perhaps the stage when we start knitting our dreams, be it as simple as having a girlfriend, to dreams such as world peace and conquering the world.

It was perhaps the decisive stage that gave birth to those figures such as Shakespeare, Hitler, Speilberg, Franklin and others. Regardless of whether they are the best fgures of their times, or the most villainous guy in the world, they are those people who take great steps in achieving their dreams. And I believe they will have no regrets even death sends them to their grave.

However, dreams are not meant to be grasped easily. Perhaps there are a many unknown Shakespeare, Beethoven; Jay Chou is still lurking around the world, even around us, but with their talent gone unnoticed. Even some of them prevailed, by fate or by luck, most of perhaps ended up their talent gone unnoticed and their “Symphonies” and “poems” might be covered in the dust forever.

Some of them ended up miserably because of insisting on their own dream, often finding themselves between a struggle of bread or ambitions. While others relented of the harsh truth of reality, and ended up doing those things they dislike, and perhaps, leaving the world with a trace of regret because of their unachieved dreams.

For me though, unachieved dreams are not the most fearful thing. Being not able to dream, or dare not to dream, might be something that is more fearful instead. They are perhaps, those people that had living in places when survival is not certain. They might also, perhaps, people that haven’t given a choice to dream because their road had already decided by their parents, without chances to argue. Or they might just people that dare not to face those mishaps, prefer conforming to “realistic thinking” than risking facing trouble in the process.

And now I’m figuring which group of people am I supposed to be, on the dark midst night when all of my friends had already slept.

我失恋了。

我失恋了。

吓米？这可不是很久以前就已经发生得事嘛？

该有整年了。。。

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想回那时可真得有点可气又可笑。什么都没做，无端端学人跑去个告白。当时再想回，那女生可是够烦恼的。她可要在男方不被伤害的情况下（即是在下）坦然的那杯不好喝的茶（也是在下）给拒绝掉，而且她还得在什么都搞不清楚的情况下，就受了我这个辣手炸弹（告白）。

想了又想，我可真的做了不少好事，全应那一个不成熟的告白。

但那时的我血气方刚，受到了那段 “仍然是朋友”的回答，性情可是沉了一下。虽然早已在意料之中，但还泪是忍不住夺眶而流。心想 “惨了，见到她是，该怎么办?? "

读书也没性情，心里除了无奈，还是无奈。

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昨天和一斑INTEC朋友去Sunway看戏，又见回那曾经让我神魂颠倒的女神，依旧是那纯真无邪的眼神，依旧是那可爱的样。在的士上，谈了一下，她依然津津有味的谈起我以前的臭事。心中突然有股庆幸的感觉 "她还记得啊！”。从谈吐而言，她依旧是一年前的她

但我已不是一年前的我。

不会再应一些蛛丝马迹而搞的自己无故神魂颠倒，不会应某种冲动搞杂自己的友情。

这一年，暗恋，妒忌，仰慕，到失恋，就像一杯甘苦的茶，虽不好受，但也学了，感受了，茶中苦里的甘甜。 至少我知道 "像我这种缺负责任男生，恋爱前，得练好自己先。

失恋，被拒绝虽不好受，但是庆幸是依能有说有笑。还能可以“仍然是朋友”。 这整年的朋友，让我看见了以前所看不到的。看见了她无邪后面的成熟，看见了可爱脸后的辛酸。看见了她弱不经风的表面，却有一股坚强不让步的精神。

我想，喜欢归喜欢，我和她之间，最好的距离，还是朋友吧，一个我和她最舒服的距离。

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这一年来，自己总是不段的乱想， 全因自己始终也不想相信我和他已不可能，全应我自己看不透-我失恋了。但如今，有些东西，还是别那么执著更好。恋人未成，朋友也好。

现在该知的，不再是那些山明海誓，不是哪些追求或被追求的，而是简单的一句。。。

我失恋了，就那么简单

也该收拾心情，准备人生的下一个路程。

无语

人老了，成熟了，现实了，少了小时的天真，少了年轻的执著，真是个好事吗？

记得小时，常认为这世界简单的很，所谓的忧郁，就只因打不赢某种游戏而所造成。所谓的爱嘛，不只不过是因为隔壁的女同学漂亮的很。十天后，就这样忘掉了。钱嘛，和老母拿。前途理想嘛，就选像名侦探的柯南咯。、

当时，只懂得老姐是全世界的坏人。认为世界嘛，就是我所看见所触摸的，所看见的。

有时嘛，就希望自己可以快点长大。看清那所谓的成熟为何物？

有时嘛，就希望自己可以快点长大，少点依赖母亲，不须被老妈指三点四。

我不想被人认为我无知，天真，不想自己被小孩般看待。

那是我十二岁所想的天真的梦。

之后，发生了人生的转折点，途中不见了什么，得到的，也不尽其数。人嘛，就像现在小时所愿一样， 现实了， 成熟了。但，快乐嘛，我却不知。

以前相信友情，但现在，看透了，友情必不是想在电视般的重义气。朋友嘛，还是保持段距离好，

以前嘛，认为家庭为我的世界，现在啊，却比较享受外面的寒风，也不愿在待在那所谓的家里多一秒。

以前眼中的帮忙，如今被视为同情和弱者的表现。

以前眼中的梦想，是如今的天真白痴的狂想曲。

这就是我所谓的成长吗？现在的我还依不知。

看见身旁的朋友总是因朋友争执和亲人的约束搞得不开心，我总会劝劝他们珍惜现有的东西。虽知我自己并不相信我所讲的那一套，却总是搬出同一套东西和他们讲。因为我知。。

若看人生的太现实，毕竟不是件好事。

而且，这几年我也看穿了一间事。。

依赖，并不是一个枷锁，是一个幸福的象征。

独立，并不是一个选择，而是一个当你无法依赖时被逼选的道路。

我成长了吗？就让这三年看清我自己也好。

A reason to regret, A reason to fear

And when I thought I ditched my work, I recovered from asthma and fever, things could change to better.

And when I thought I will be leaving this country for good, something happened......

I should had controlled my diet, especially when I'm a high risk group...

And now it might means I can't fly......or I might somehow had a worst life later...

I'm depressed...

I'm scared...and I'll pray for no help...I'll juz pray everything will be ok...

2nd day...

Somehow very tempted to delete this post, but well, memories are indiscriminate, it records every single moment of my time...so, might as well i dun delete this post......

Well, I guess things aren't that desperate...

I'm not yet dead...

My loved ones are not in peril...

And I'm still alive kicking doing things with my will...

And finally the whole things might juz a shockover...

Well, I guess time to put things to rest, to everyone that send sms or juz greet me on MSN, TQ, I guess you guys make me realize I'm not really alone.

Guess whether things gonna be ok or not. Guess this event had made me seen lots of things...my troublesome diet, and also other things that I overlooked for along time. Friendship, I'll nvr see it, but it's there, in someplace unexpected...

Nothing will happen, dude......I'm sure of it!