A post of regret

It is such a long time since I lay a finger on blogging.

It seems that I was just too lazy. After all, it has been 4 weeks when my hand was wrapped with the plaster of Paris.

4 weeks. It had been a long four weeks, and half of the summer semester just gets ruined because of it. But at last I was free at this Monday… But now, in exchange of the momentary freedom, I might end up to sth worse and paying the worse price. It is either……

-Another plaster of Paris ( SIX WEEKS ) in the spring semester, when C++ and calculus is going to stretch my neck or…..WORSE
-Surgery that costs over 4000…and plaster again for (FOUR WEEKS)or……WORST
-I just had to say bye bye to badminton, basketball, or even becoming a damn burden because of wretched hand FOREVER

I am not joking, anything of these could happen (and likely to happen if I happened to fall again while playing futsal… ) if I didn’t do sth…And the doctor has been warning me about the consequences if I removed the plaster… And I thought that he was joking, and now I was making a joke on myself…(Not to mention I ignore some of his medical prescription just because of too lazy…)

……

That day…I begged my mother to remove the plaster of Paris because of having a chem. Lab practical at Tuesday, and finally she agreed...

Using chem. Lab as a excuse, I finally persuaded my mother to allow me to remove the plaster. DoTA, here I come…

And when the plaster was removed, the right hand which was numb started to get alive but the first sensation I feel is PAIN…at my wrist. The big bump was still there…

At first, I thought I was seeing things, and the pain, I assured myself that it will recover after few hours, maybe after a few hours nap. However the pain was still there, and the bump, after comparing with my left hand… was really a DAMN BIG BUMP compared to my left hand.

And now I had been following the prescription strictly, and wrapped my hand with some cream, hoping that the bump will just disappear.

It didn’t…

And every time my hand felt the sensation of pain, my whole body will be shuddering. I don’t want to be wrapped with the plaster again…

I don’t want to depend on others again, being a burden to my group member, and able to stand independent without the help of others…
I don’t want to write my assignment with the stupid left hand ( which Pui yIn somehow feeling funny about that)

And lastly, I don’t wish to left behind because of the plaster again.

Someone or something else, please grants a recovery to my hand and the courage to run through this. I don’t want to run through the painful experiences again, cannot scratch when you‘re feeling itchy, cannot do simple task even though you have both hands, and the enduring the eyes of discriminating when you have a plaster with you……

Please…….my hand was wrapped long enough to atone for my foolishness…Please, don’t let me run through this again…

Please………………….

another post of complaint

I am obviously in a very very damppppppp mode and right hand was really itchy (I didn’t mean itch for DoTA or badminton, but really itchy.)

I tried to scratch my unknown source of itch, but failed to do so. Reluctantly, I searched for the medicine that the doctor prescribed to me. Though I was very reluctant to eat this kind of medicine (It is said that medicine like painkiller can damage your nerve system by restricting the emission of neurotransmitter.), I nevertheless succumbed to my itchiness.

Gulp…Much better.

This is the 8th day since similar things like this happened. And doctor said I need to bandage my hand for six (SIXXXXXX)week --(simple calculation says that 34days to go)

For your information, my hand was cemented (To be precise it is Plaster of Paris) because I was so obsessed with the manga Fullmetal Alchemist. So I decided to upgrade my right hand into an automail, like what Edward does in the story…That was actually just an maintainence period for my new machine arm to appear

.......................................................

OR… I just want to enjoy smacking people’s head with this cemented hand…

.....................................................

Ok...Ok...I am lying. FYI, my hand was injured while playing futsal. And I wondered for some time when someone asked a silly question. (for me)

Mr.xxx: How can you injure your hand while playing futsal. You're using your leg to play , not your hand, right?

My first response was "hey stupid, why can't that happen? I just fall down while playing and that caused my hand to get injured"......But come to think about it...

Playing futsal cause your hand injured is actually quite a paradox...Not to mention my hand is ruined just because of a mere fall (Right now I can't believe it!!! If my hand was injured because I was pushed from third floor, i still can accept it......)

I had numerous fall before, either because of my clumsiness (like what? banging a glass door?) or because of my obsessiveness to dangerous stuff (like cycling on a downhill with both hands not gripping the handle...), nothing happened to me except a few bruises...but now, as you can see, an OKU (quoted by CJ)...

Perhaps I should stop my tantrum and continue the whole story......

Out of pain I decided to seek for a clinic, when the doctor just gave me some medicine, a cream to apply and a bandage...And thats all......I was quite sceptical with his method but after 3-4days, my pain started to ease(though the big bump of my hand still can be seen)

I was quite confident that my hand had started to recover and i joined the frisbee gang (despite still experiencing pain in my wrist while flying the frisbee) and even played badminton (however ended up howling in pain after returning a smash...)

And now I was eating my own fruit of ignorence.............*.*

My pain still haven't completely subsided 2 weeks after the incident. So I gave up to my mom's nagging and consult an orthopelogist in Ipoh. And after an X-ray, I had the most shocking revelation ever...(forget to mention, the doctor in Shah Alam never used X-ray at all)

My hand was completely 180degree twisted!!!

And I know that i cannot escape the fate of being cemented. And as the doctor applied the doctor bandaged the inevitable plaster of paris to me, I started to grief for my own life......

The first few days was completely a torture. Firstly, I had to say bye bye to my dota (and also to my dota kaki ) and also endured the painful itch. Not to mention lots of act ( as simple as eating wantan mee ) cannot be done because my right hand was disabled. I was completely in a state that can only be described as...depressed or perhaps helpless...

However, life is not really tat hard after all. I can still use my notebook to write down notes (or rather TYPING NOTES), playing yu-gi-oh instead of DoTA (it is better than dota in some way), and study C++ instead of calculus (I 'm still neglecting my psycho X.X)

Though there are still some difficulties (such as ordering cemara food, when i had to use my left hand to write) and also receiving sarcastic comment like this

mr yXXX: lets play dota 2nite, u get ur laptop back already mah. lol

However, life is not really easy like a mere itch on my hand, it all changed after I attended the chemistry lab briefing...

"You need to HANDWRITE (omg) your report and send tomorrow. And you can choose to be individual of group.

If I was in perfect state, I would gladly do all the experiment myself and submitted without bothering teaming to others. But now I had little to accomplish with my left hand only (and my ego challenged because I had to let others do their stuff while I'll be doing nothing.) Come to think about it, people will quite reluctant to join me in chem lab considering my current state now...

OMG......,.What can i do? Perhaps I had to force my way to ask the doctor to remove the plaster even though it means endless nagging and slower recovery...

I should have refrain myself for touching frisbee after the incident. I might can blame the doctor in Shah alam (for his noob treatment that left my twisted-hand uncared), but i still know that I was the main cause to blame for my current state.

Nevertheless, I still havs the faith to endure thru this things. And i shall use this piece of thing to record it so that I'll never forget this birthday "gift".

I am 18 le. Can c porn and smoke...(ehh, I tot u r 20 ald)

For your information, i had finally passed 18 yesterday.

It was so free!!!

Before this, I was EXCEPTIONALLY pissed off when I came to cinema because I can always c something like in an cinema...

18SG- this movie is for 18 only because it contains etc etc etc...

Not to mention when it comes to blood donation campaign, i can always see some notice like this.

"If you're 18 and below, please obtain parent's consent before proceeding..."

Now I can say bye bye to this irritating stuff.

CUZ I AM 18 FINALLY. ( and Miss Yuinyi, plz take attention. I am just 18 this year, Makau.)

However, it doesn't mean that I can go buy porn, smoke etc etc. I had to take responsibilities for my own action. (besides that if i go to smoke now i might just die from a asthma attack...)

OK...OK...

I think I still owe a speech during my yesterday's birthday and since that my Advance Compo is higher than my PCO, I would like to convey my speech in words...(like that also can......)

Good afternoon I bid to Wei Young (that is so frugal but still go Pak Li because of me), Cheng Kuan(which is quite unexpected), Chau Kee( that think I should go Ausmat Cafe to celebrate instead), Yon Chiet( did I spell wrong?), Sam and the Gang (and also Hoong ching my Ex roommate ^.^), Sharon and Sanddy (which I still wonder, whether they are the flowers or cow du**(censored)), and also Hafidz chan (that looks a little bit boring because yuinyi isn't there)

I was very honored (konon) because you guys go to Pak Li to celebrate( though everytime also go Pak Li.) And thanks for the choclate cake. It was so .....CHOCOLATE. (but for your information, the strawberries I ate are all sour, u get it la Sanddy.)

And also "thanks" for Wei young, Chau Kee, and Yon Chiet and Cheng Kuan for keep teasing me throughout the celebration. It made me laugh sampai sakit perut. ( I won't go PJ street to buy p*** stuff, so u go buy la, I prefer download p*** stuff from internet. LOL JUZ KIDDING.)

Also especially thanks to Cheng Kuan and CJ for buying the chocalate cake. (I tot u wan to date with s****** le when u say u wan to leave.)

Not to mention I need to "THANKS" all of you for forcing me to wear that hat and ESCORT me all the way.

It was so fun last night.

OOPS, almost forget Miss YuinYi( and Mei Yueh) nice cream puff. Though there is only one (which only enough for my supper), it was so nicccceeeeee......

( Yuinyi, ur bro also birthday yesterday, such coincedence. It means that people that have their birthday yesterday are destined for greatness hahaha (flatter myself pulak)). But for ur information someone looks bored because u didn't join us. ( I didn't say it was you hafidz, lol)
JUST KIDDING LA....


Thats all for my speech, if i really wanted to continue crapping I would miss the bus back to Ipoh

Lastly,...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY U GUYS GIVE. REALLY REALLY THANKS.

ARIGGATOU GOZAIYIMASHU

Laptop laptop

First of all, I was too glad because my birthday wish has come true...YEAH ^_^

What wish?

My laptop has been recovered and will be available today.

So no more begging Azizi to borrow his "FATHER" laptop and following his strict curfew hours for laptop. Also I can say bye bye to "dotaking seeming endless bragging of his dota skill" because I will just run to my laptop when he do so.

Not to mention I am finally free from someone sarcastic comment like this...

Mr.Wxx Yxxxx : Eh, why dun u bring ur laptop to online...ehhh, sorry 4got u dun have a laptop. Lol. ( and dunno how many times he deliberately make this "mistake")

Mr. Kxxx Hxx : Lets play dota lo. Ahh, forgot ur laptop are still under repair...=.=

However, I would like to express my gratitude to Azizi my housemate for borrowing me a laptop just for my gaming purpose. I had borrowed my laptop countless times and nobody borrowed me back in return.

Thanks again azizi for borrowin me ur laptop, regardless of curfew laws and ur rules, you are the only one that borrowed me ur laptop. I can't even get it from my so-called (SO-CALLED) good friend.

And also thanks again for tolerating my OCD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder) for DoTA and my numerous nagging (which I found irritating also) sometimes.

It seems like I had learnt something valauble (perhaps something cruel) lesson in this 3 week.

DUN DEPEND ON ANYONE (THAT MEANS EVEN UR FREN BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE IS RELIABLE EXCEPT URSELF)

I still remember one ocassion when I used a fren laptop for typing my assignment.

" wah, ur hard drive ot virus or not. Dun simply put on my laptop ah."

I assured him that I am quite computer-savvy people. Not to mention he himself got a quite-well antivirus installed in his laptop.

However, I don't think I can count how many naggings he gave to me before I can finally type my psychology assignment and submit it.

And in case the fren I mentioned is reading this blog, I would like to say one thing.

I was quite disappointed and I am not hate to admit it.

Finally, I can say goodbye to this kind of life.

However, if anyone requires my laptop or my assistence( such as games installer or wanting a dota laptop etc ), i would still lend my hand if possible.

Because I dun wan other else to reach the same conclusion like mine.

Before I finished crapping, I would like to quote a famous saying that my mom have been teaching me.

"If u are living under someone's roof, you have to lower ur head,"

(Nevertheless thanks azizi for giving me a hand and break his parents' rule just to borrow me laptop)

Looking urself from an unbiased view

I found quite an interesting book during my voluntary work in SABS temple at Wesak Day. The way who the book is written strike me profoundly (though I didn't finish the book...). The book was entitled "the four Noble truth.

But before that, I need to clarify one point. I am not a staunch Buddhist as you guys might think. I might consider myself as a skeptic, or even an atheist. Strictly speaking, I didn't consider myself as a follower of any religion.

And maybe because of that I was not shackled by any religion's bias . Only because of that I can view other religions from an unbiased point of view. It might be ok for me to glance through the verses of Quran and Bible without any bias. I would rather view religions as a researcher or student view, rather as a believer. Regardless of existence of god, I believed that there are wisdoms inside every religion that we should study.

And if that so some people might ask me why am I joining the dharma talk almost every Sunday and participated in certain activities of Buddhism...

True is, I viewed Buddhism as a way to live, not as a religion. And while listening to the talks, I might gain something which might prove useful in my life. Dharma talk is not about something religion term- sophisticated stuff, it was just something related to our daily life such as how to relieve stress.

I might not know how this karma thingy works, but at least I know something useful throughout the session.

Ok, back to the topic. (if this post is too religious kindly let me know so that I will do sth to this.)

The book talks about suffering....

Suffering?

Yep, it is quite some sophisticated stuff. Suffering is not defined as extreme suffer such as you are smacked by a 10000tonne stuff, or extreme tragic fate. It is about impermanence, unsatisfactoriness that we might deal in our daily life.

For example, " I think I get fat, I need to diet again," by a miss yuin yi that had just finished her KFC. She is not satisfied, then she is suffering...

.............???????( even i get confused)

And most of us tend to get angry or sad because we tend to associate the unsatisfactoriness with themselves. For example, we keep to say that sorrow is our sorrow, problem is my problem etc. However is that any difference between your sadness and other sadness? Is Mr. A feeling of sadness differs? No, it's the same.

And by knowing that you can see sadness not as your own, and then only you will acknowledge it better, from a third eye view when you can see your problem clearly...

And suddenly I had an "weird" idea. Can people view themselves as others, or simply speaking, can people view themselves from an unbiased view?

Try an example. You're dumped by your girlfriend and out of anger you smacked her to unconscious. You might justify your act by saying "she being unfaithful to me, and she deserve it etc.

Even though from third point of view, you're just a guy that is being unsatisfied and childish. But will you think of sth like that?

No...most probably......and you will come out with lots of reason to justify your own action.

You might be thinking I do this because of etc etc even though from unbiased view you are just being selfish.

Believe me, it is hard to do "looking urself from unbiased view" because we are often restricted by the frame "I"

But if we can do that, we might attain some invaluable wisdoms and knowledge about life, as well as a confidence of your own act and knowledge in every moment.

This is the concept of "non-self"

Hope you can correct me if any details mistake and it is not religious post despite the word "buddhism" it is only a philosophical point of view.

ZZZZZZ I still have much to learn.....
Publish Post

Happy?

A quote from Miss Yuin Yi blog

What I don't understand is, how anyone can be so negative looking at life. Are there really no reasons to be happy? How can there be NO reasons to be happy? Nil? Big fat zero? Be sad for all you want over something, but NO reasons to be happy? How can that be? Are there really no solutions, no way out of sorrow......

I had been asking this question to myself a lot of time...

Why can't you just feel happy to yourself sometimes? Why it was always the typical cursing, the typical "old bored " face, the typical harsh comment....

I still remember how my friends sad after I addressed them as mere "acquaintence"......

I'm not sure whether Yuin Yi was refering me, but I'm think I am one of the people that just can't find the reason...

"Why should you happy?"

Another quote from friend during trips to Penang...
"You're the youngest among four of us, yet you look like the oldest people among us. Nobody will believe you if you said you're not eighteen...

Then only I realized that my pesimism had really take a toll on me, so powerful that it even change my look...I looked at the mirror and somehow the word ols and "pesimism" is written on my face...

And after all these years, I believe that I had forgotten how to smile, perhaps the only thing I can do is a bitter grin...

"Jin Khang, smile more, not like that, a king should be happy, not like that,"--A quote from the frustated director of Ko-Pln...

However, how desperate it seems, I just can't smile happily...all i can is just a bitter grin...

And I always wondered why Hafidz and Yuin Yi can smile so much just after they played a frisbee game...

I had been looking this world in a sad perspective, perhaps part of them maybe is because of my sad past...however, my friend had once, cannot tolerate my "So Pesimistic" view said something like this...

"You think that you're the unluckiest guy in the world...You think you're the only one that had been teased by people all the time...You think that we haven't expereienced what you feel. Though I don't really know what you had experienced, as you never tell us before,"

"But you're not the only one that experienced misfortune..."

And the friend that I viewed him as optimistic, had made me speechless the whole night in Penang

Lastly, I still remember a question from Miss Sharifah, my psychology lecturer......It is not really a question directed to me, but it seems that I can't find any answer to him...

"why must we be happy?"

While everyone else keep answering the question, I just can't find a single clue from my mind to say...

I wanted to be happy because..................why?

Perhaps I was not contented with life
Perhaps I like to be trapped in a mindset "you're unlucky"
Perhaps I can't let my past burden go
Perhaps I was get used to be not to happy
Perhaps...Perhaps...I was having a psychological disease even......

Perhaps I should feel contented
Perhaps I should throw away the old past
Perhaps I should feel appreciative
Perhaps...Perhaps...I should see a counsellor =.=

Is that any reason to be happy?

Perhaps I had to think...

Cyclone of life

I'm bored. I'm sleepy. I'm a figure that walked without a soul. I am a part of nothing.
(feelings quoted by me during the psychology class)

I only experienced this type of feeling once during my working periods, when my goal of life was just mere work, sleep and taking wages. Days seems like nothing and meaningless, and each passing day does not differ of each other.

During those dark three months, everyday was just same, repetitive, except the only change was the number in the calendar.

Sorry to spoil your mood, I experienced this typical feeling during the summer semester.

Everyday, I woke up, eat, and what to do? sleep again, until I passed another day......

I had wondered is there anything to do. All of sudden, there is no sorrow, no hope , no ambition and no worries...

All of sudden, my life was a dark void.

AI had to admit that I almost choked in my spring semester when the life was more than hectic and sorrow was more than just a bundle.

But i know at least I had a goal when i woke up
-Rushing for research paper
-studying for quiz
-calculus

At least there was something to keep me in mind. Though it was busy, I felt that I at least lived my life to the fullest.

Life was suffocating
Like a cyclone that beats me relentlessly
And unimaginable bruises inflected over me

Accidentally
I stepped into the core of cyclone
Suddenly, there was no more cyclone
No more noise, no more bruises
A unknown nothingness in front of me

There is no light and no darkness
Just an endless of peacefulness
Suddenly, everything I cared, I hoped, I worried
Was so insignificant
Everything is so unimportant, even breathing
Air from nostril seems does not matter anymore

I braced myself once again
To step out the cyclone of life I once feared
Though I know I will once again full of injury and pain
But
At least I know I was still able to breath
To be myself once again