众里寻她千百度,蓦然回首,那人却在灯火阑珊处。

一个人住的时候， 有时候会一个人开始乱乱想东西。偏偏在大学， 却是一个人住， 而且是整整一年。所以啊，想入飞飞的时候， 想到一样东西了。。。

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当我是三年级时， 老姐和我时常在巴士被人欺负, 也不知道为什么，劝架的人没有， 火上加油的到有。 那个混蛋的样子我不记得， 但在不懂某某一天， 有个女生说了一句话

“别欺负她们俩了”

她是我老姐的同班同学， 那时我只记得一样东西， 她的头发很长， 她的脸， 好美。

到头来，东西没改变， 但是脑海多了一个人的样和名字。

那个时候， 脑海里那个女生变成了一个 “大姐”的形象。

之后跳班了， 在小学做小混混几年了， 糊糊涂涂到中学了。

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在中一班上， 我看见了很多老同学， 也见到了那位女生。那脸蛋， 头发仍然没变。 没事干， 就 跑前去和她搭讪两句，但从她眼中， 我只是。。。

“ 你是曹叔恩的弟弟吧”

结果， 我和那个女生同班了五年， 期间， 前三年彼此只是寒暄几句， 那个时候， 我喜欢了班上另一个女生。 结果啊， 那四年暗恋到头来无始无众了。

只记得， 我对那个女生， 从大姐形象，变成“傻大姐”了。 因为啊， 她发火的样子， 很好笑， 也出奇的（可爱/傻）。那个事候啊， 也时常听到有人说她 “胸部小” 来惹她发火， 我虽然也是其中一个， 但我心里的想法， 如果给她知道， 我真的要钻个洞。

“胸部小如何啊， 她样子还不错啊。。。。”


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在中四时， 也不知道为什么和她走近了。 只知道她突然间找我问功课了， 和我抢kacang putih 了， 在补习班， 又看到她哪傻傻的脸孔。那个时候， 我们算是从陌生人变成了同学吧。嬉笑她一番， 变成了一个习惯， 只因，看她生气， 还蛮得意的。

我那奇怪的习性， 从她的眼中， 是“不成熟” 的表现吧。

那个时候， 我也没想那么多， 因为那时后我还在想其他女生吧。

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有一天，发了一个奇怪的梦， 梦见自己的手和她十指紧扣， 走了一段黄叶铺满的路， 想的只是 “别放开我的手可以吗”。

起身时， 冒了一顿冷汗， 但心里出奇的甜。

也有一天， 那个女生被欺负了， 我也不知道为什么袒护她起来， 也不知道， 我也不知道吃错什么药， 说了一句

“我又不是你的男朋友”

详细资料我不知道， 只知道我座位旁边的墙壁多了个洞...自己敲下去。
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之后日子如常，也不知道用什么原因和她简讯起来了。

也不知道什么原因， 我收起了她的每一封简讯， 尤其是我去KL 前她sent我的那一封

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在college 的日子， 又喜欢上另一个女生，结果吃了个闭门塞。那中学时的脸，我也忘了， 那奇怪的梦， 也忘了， 直到有一天， 她生日了， 她半开玩笑的问生日礼物， 结果我也不知道为什么跑去了secret recipe买了个蛋糕， 亲手给她， 但因为蛋糕溶化了， 所以我的家墙壁又多了个洞。

但那时， 吃了闭门塞后， 我对爱这个咚咚又怕又惊， 所以也没想那么多
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转而眼， 我还有十天要走了，在偶然一天我跑到了她的家， 而且有一段时间， 只有我和她一个在家， 脑里开始想入非非， 但是到最后没东西发生， 还好还好。

到我在机场时，那没有电的电话响了， 一开， 是她的祝福。但在在凌晨一点时， 那时是一个百感交集的祝福。

也不知道那时候， 我给了她一个奇怪的承诺

“三年后如果彼此单身， 我可以追你吗？”

但那该死的电话在我寄着简讯时却没电了。

我也不知道， 她收到了吗？

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如今， 我们还有联络， 对她， 我还是有一股不敢说出口的感觉，但从她口中， 她说我成熟了。 说真的， 我真的有一股说不出的开心

但仍然有时候， 我想问她 “你有收到那个简讯吗？ ”

从一个大姐， 变成了一个傻大姐， 在变成了朋友， 下一步是什么？

梦中的十指紧扣， 或只是十年后的一般朋友， 我也不知道， 但是那一个结局也好，我也坦然接受。

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如果有怡保人看到， 或那个女生看到的话，请忘了吧，我不想再弄个洞了， 最近剪了头， 撞起来也会比较痛

扫扫灰尘

我看， 这个部落格也算是古迹啦。好东西， 历史价值什么都没有， 一大堆名为埋怨，自私，和很多无名的咚咚倒有。

看到以前写的东东， 充满希望的， 充满绝望的， 骂人的, 埋怨的， 诉苦的，都有。 记得每次心情超不爽， 跑去部落格， 写了一大堆我到现在都不明白的东西， 心情好了， 到明天要去学校时， 却怕有人看我部落格之后， 指三说四。 事实上， 这种事情也发生了几次。

一天突然心起，写了一个 “宗教不好论”， 结果惹到一斑大小姐不开心， 结果delete 了。
又有突然一天，写了一遍 “朋友不好论”， 结果明天朋友眼光怪怪的    ， 又delete了     。
更加恐怖的是，写了一遍 “老师不好论”， 结果那天恶梦连连， 明天立刻起身delete 了。

但是还是要写，虽然口头说“我部落格”不想要人知道， 但说实话， 我是想希望埋怨一番后， 人家可能会对我好一点， 至少明白我嘛， 但是却不老实的起来。想想， 我和那些在 fb 骂人不指性没两样。

对人，我可能不老实， 但对自己， 总是有了面对自己自私一面的勇气。

所以啊， 如今看到这里满满堆灰尘， 我想我可以写我所写吧。 但是， 那种“不想被人看但要人家看的矛盾还在吧。”

没关系， 反正那些在部落格诉苦的,和我或许有同样想法。

To blog

well, I am going to say goodbye to this world of facebook and internet for 1 week.

May the ditch is successful

...

Most people whine and complain their problem, and some managed to learn how to deal with their own problem without saying a word, but the best people sees happiness out of their problem...

And how many year would I need more before I would finally face a problem without a whine?

And how many more years would I need to face a predicament with a smile?

How long, life?

.

I know it long time ago that no matter how may friends you have, you are by yourself when problem kicks in...

Nuff said.

Update
Emotion back to normal, but there's some truth in the statement

Something that I remembered

I remembered, once, years ago, I blogged of a few post about religions and stuff, and most of the post survived less than 1-3days, and most of them was deleted by me, after being informed that a few students are unsatisfied with my post, and at least few had gone angry, as if I conducted an act of heresy/disrespect.

Now to think back, I really regretted.

It reminds me of few things I heard...

'Christians and Muslims are angry when people ridiculed our religion, but we buddhist will just smile towards those accusation. What makes those Christians and Muslims have the right to express their anger but not us?," the preacher said.....

Because, we are buddhist, an answer popped out from nowhere.

Now to think about it, what makes atheism a bad thing to be ridiculed just because they do not believe in gods. What is so wrong with an atheist expressing view, and getting response of being "disrespectful, heretic, and etc."

Why is atheism being such a taboo? We don't commit crime, we live honest life, we don't segregate people just because of a different religion, we don't ridicule other's religion ( compared to other religions believer ).
(Even though some said atheist itself is a crime, but I took pride of having rationalism/reasons to guide my way, instead of religion.)

And my blog, though it's accessible from everyone, is only some stuff to blurt personal stuff, that being say, I can say what I am, and you are not obliged to agree in anything, nor do it shall be taken seriously (unless  you wanted to).

During that time, I wrote a post doubting religions and see thing from my own perspective, I ain't forcing belief into people that read the post, nor do I condemn/insult people's belief. ( Maybe people perceive it differently, my doubt being an insult to their religion). However I don't think it's an insult if I said " why it is such such such in religion ABC", for those zealots ( ya, that's the insult to you all ), it might be unquestionablr, but for me, it's merely a question for myself.

Did I ever say your religion's prophet was fake/charlatan?

I wished I could tell those people...to STFU, but since I deleted the post, and tell myself to write nothing about that...

in future, i won't even touch about atheism/ religion in post, but I just remembered.

And I know those people won't even read post ( which to my relief).

But , this post serves a good reminder for me not to shut my mind out just because someone might get pissed.

Update
- After a conversation, I felt that I might be too judgmental to theist

* Not to be deleted post at all cost*

Home

Mom was nagging me for glue-ing in the computer for hours, and asking me to help her in some chores, while sister seems to be unusual lively today and keep bashing my head while I am playing some unknown games on the computer. However, I know that there's one single inconsistency that told me this is all fake, and the moment I realized, I woke up from my dream.

Hell yeah, I am now in US. All those things...are just dreams. I sat in my bed for next 5 minutes, making sure I am in the reality instead of dream, and pat myself...

" You are in US now, remember?"

And I puzzled myself through my front door, while trying to recall the feelings in my dream, and I don't even know whether it's a good dream or not. Regardless, those contents slipped through my mind...I don't really remember what was my dream...

But, it's dream about home, how bad can it be?

And I had been in the state of home-dreaming for quite a few times, and each time I realized I was now in US instead of in home, I woke up from those dreams. Even though I told myself I experienced no home-sick, and keep wondering why my friends insisting of going back during summer, and I didn't call back home on a regular basis ( yeah, bad son eh =/)...

Despite all these facts, I had to admit...

I missed home, and I wanted to go back...*sigh*

Going back home.

When I was a kid, going back home means an end to teacher's class and a hot meal awaits
When I was a teen, going back home means no more playing games in friends house and doing homeworks.
When I was an adolescent, going back home means several calls from mother at midnight while I was still chatting with my friends

I am still nowhere an adult yet, but right now for me

Going back home... is something better than " staying in friend's house to play game", is something better than "chatting with friends all day long", and it's more than just an end to class and a hot meal awaiting.

I wanted to go home...

* shrugs*, exam...now let's get moving