A sip of the bitter coffee

I had lots of things to say, yet somehow, I found myself clueless on the computer screen...

And I had to realize that, once I typed something emotional, chances are high that lots of people. unimaginable of me, will read this blog post, and looked @.@ when next time they see me walking alone in cemara...

Hmm, I just said that, I had some emotional downturns lately, and, you could say, I emo-ed, after sipped a bitter coffee of my personality.

I have just realized, I don't have the courage to stand what I believe, what I love, as the matter of fact, I was in the state of self- blaming for the past.

I am not brave in certain matter, and thus, I prefer solitude over everything else

Well, I need time to chill, perhaps, embarking on a journey of finding who I really am, but well, meantime, I can still smile when people greeted me, and right now, I was studying cal 3, thinking about assignments at the same time.

Emotions are emotions, works are works, no matter how sad you are, you still get to work. I am amazed how I can do this on a emotional downturns

Dun worry, guys, I just need a break, and sip this bitter coffee until I grew used to it. Call me for tennis game, (but not badminton, I lost my SID), or futsal, or DoTA (after my cal3 test and assignment done) if you wanted, like the old days. I can still laugh, and enjoyed the game.

Solitude, and emotions are mine...

And so do, the bitter coffee...

Maybe one day, I would like the aroma of the coffee, but right now, it is just bitter...

Gulp*

(at least I dun have to worry Uni...)

Luck

Am I lucky, am I not?

I might sound ignorant if I've said I'm unlucky, cuz it takes more than just luck to get admitted to JPA and get admission into an US uni

(btw, I had prayed hard to get into juz one uni, and always mumbled, "I rather had hard luck as long as I get into a uni, and though the uni for admission is only Minnesota twin cities, I am more than grateful enough to accept it, well, chau kee, u didn't know how desperate it is when u study two years and get into no uni, u juz dunno...)

But am I a lucky person?

losing his SID last week, losing kia tzun's pendrive in my own room,...always late at the day of wednesday (which happens to be today), and to make it worse, i'd been late in n. Ruzela's class.

*hearing grumble from pn. ruzela for not bringing lcd projector*...

And the grumble continues, Studied 12 questions out of 13 questions for quiz, and the 13th question will always appear in quiz instead of the 12th questions. And even for now, i am damn starved cuz i left my wallet somewhere in cj 's room..., not to mention, sth hairy is happening on my laptop, and

tonnes of thing to do, cal test, literature term paper, physic quiz, and my "beloved" (it happens that the novel is entitled "beloved", but it is definitely NOT my beloved novel") novel is still far from finnish- (one chapter of novel- 200++pages @.@)

To conclude, am I lucky or not, I am not lucky, but all my unluckiness seems to result from my own clumsiness, so in the end, is it really luck that matters?

Nah, I'll rather blame it on luck, cuz I dun have the courage to do a haul-over to my current personality. Life had been unkind to me in some way, but still, I am alive and kicking (not kicking, but crapping). The fact that i can still accompany CJ to shop ( and why me??) proves that I am still ok from those unlucky events that happens around me.

And seriosuly, I am tempted wanted to whack people that emo for some "IMPORTANTREASONS". Not as if you "f*** ur quiz", u lost stuffs so frequent that u had get used to it, or u fucked up ur uni application and etc...etc...

Some people juz dunno to be grateful, is it?

Maybe I am one...

(Btw, congratz for CJ and hope that he'll be grateful. I had done some ads to him, ya know, and I'm the last one to know.) Maybe I am just like to gossip too much, but too, I know my limits. )

Untitled

Scars

I always had urges to reflect, to think, to think back of the past, reviewing myself from all my past deeds, my past speeches, and acts. Often, it hurts, like an invisible blade that struck through my heart, and the world seems to be void of air for the tiny sec.

            “It’s already past. Don’t think too much about it. It’s already over.” This is what I told myself as I gave a big whack to my own head; pain enough so that it will bring me back to the reality. My head gets a big bump, and the scar disappeared.

            Perhaps, the real thing I scared about is not the memories itself, but deep inside, there’s a fearful feeling that those things will happen again in one of the distant futures, and once again, I would be the devil in the story, causing havoc and distrust again.

            But still, I liked to reflect to myself. Even though it might hurt, it is always better to have a scar, to remind myself of the past thing I did, so that I won’t repeat it in future, so that I won’t cause an injury to others. However, there are times that I thought those scars had disappeared, caused either by temporary emotional feelings, or ignorance, and I will repeat those dreadful things again. And the scar goes deeper and deeper. A deeper scar was bared, and until one time when those scars are forgotten, tragedy would once again occur, and the cycle happens again.

            The scars might be painful, but it is way much painless than the injury it costs. The scars must not be forgotten, as though it might hurts. And pray that one day I get numb with those scars around…

            One who forgets history tends to repeat it.

 

Misconception

            Often I had a thought. “Do people around me really understand who I am?” And often the answers I told myself is a No, and I would either felt solitude for a second, or either a feeling of satisfaction would arise, and praising myself for able to conceal myself well.

            But days ago, something happens due to some events and etc, like a series of chain, that makes me rethink again. Do people really not understand me? Or perhaps, I’m the one that I don’t understand myself…

            I had once thought that what people thought about me is wrong, but come to think about it again, it might be I’m the one that wrong.

            I am someone that “unreliable, clueless, have little sense of responsible, naïve-thinking, like to poke into people secret and gossip around about it, and had a tendency to say wrong things in a wrong time.”

            And bet cha people might think something like this, “He’s the guy if u wants an extra person for DoTA, futsal or labor work. But don’t ever depend on this fella if you wanted to get important things messed up.”

            I used to think that they are wrong, but come to think about it, the opposite might be the truth, at least after someone that I least expected give me a big whack of the whole things that happened.

            And if you want to comment that what I write is wrong, think AGAIN. It is either you are not being truthful to yourself, or you just don’t understand me well. If you are thinking that you understand me better through this post, THINK AGAIN. You are just being fed with someone own opinion and confusion.

           

Emo

            And let me guess, some of you might think that this guy had gone emotional. Well, it might be true, but here again, I think that you guys term of “emo” might not be suitable in my case.

            Emo is the term that you used when someone had undergone a change of feeling of sad, and unable to get things done because of the overwhelming feeling of sadness. It might cause a change of attitude and etc.

            Well, it doesn’t apply to me. I did not really undergo any change of feeling. I am not an optimistic person, but definitely not a pessimist. I am not happy all of time, but it doesn’t mean that I am sad all the time. Well, I am just thinking. I still can get things done and even go for sports. Is it “ok” for a person that is emo-ing? For a person that had been accustomed to pessimism, it is already a habit for him not to be happy, and he won’t know that he is not happy either. You get it?

            So, I am not emo-ing, or, maybe I am, cuz I dun really know myself much. But still, there are times I wanted to express something, well, maybe you could say me emo then during those times.

            I ‘m not emo-ing, so don’t accustomed myself with those people that trapped in the emo-chain, or commented something like get well soon…

Objection!!! Hold It!!!

I find myself hooked out with these two phrase in this week, and suddenly, I find that stomping on the table (in a right way) can be quite fun, and in fact, STYLISH! Recently, I was hooked by one NDS game, named Phoenix wright, Ace Attorney

In the game, you worked as an attorney, defending your helpless (and funky most of the time) client, squeezing every single informations from the witness in court, exposing contradictions and lies in their testimony and finally,...send the prosecutor flying as you shouted...

OBJECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The game focussed on a defense attorney, named phoenix wright (with a stylishly spiked hair and a funny face when he's sweating...) and his assistant Maya (with no common sense, according to phoenix) that work to protect and defend their client, and discovering the truth in the process.

And the thing that awed me is...the main character somehow able to turn the whole table around. Even though the was pinned guilty, he was somehow able to dismiss all of them just in one argument and some proof of evidences. (Since I'm the one controlling the main character, can you actually said that I'm talented as him? lol). You will be surprised that even a tiny bit evidence (example, a yellow baseball glove) can be actually the key of the whole case.

But the story can be quite boring for some people though, because there's no monster for you to kill, no cash, no level, and all pratically do is talk, examine and moving around. Well, you could say that this game is not really "a game", but somehow, I find fun in this game with the engrossing storyline, funny characters (a pervert judge, and a prosecutor that likes whipping around, huh??) and finally, a chance for you to kill more brain cells (as if any brain cells had survived from calculus test 1...)

This game is for no non-brainer. It's really a good way to see how your IQ works. (compared to games such as Zuma, or some number quizzes, it's wheeeeeee way much better). DotA? Duhh, buzz off, until I finnished another mysterious case of phoenix wright...

(Btw, if you are interested in this game, get the game from me, and see how long you need to finnish this game, I finnished the game in 5 days, (and peeked into game guide for twice though...))

So, for anyone that thinks that dota is way much better. There's one word for you...

OBJECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woken up from a hibernating sleep......

* As usual, I don't have any idea what the heck my blog title should be, maybe I should label my blog title from now on, but anyway...*

It's time for once again, crap (any better word) ...and, hmm.., perhaps a jog to the memory lane of mine in these few weeks (but ... if there's ever such a lane called JK memory lane, it's must be very very dirty indeed......


Purpose of education

20 minutes ago, a huge invisible slap from physic lab class reminds me of this simple, yet deep, topic, what's the purpose for education......

We were having discussion for our lab assignment about the electric field, and our lecturer was discussing about the device we used in the experiment (an electric gun or some sort). It was quite a non-brainer concept, but none of us seems to understand it......

Our lab lecturer, puzzled by our "knowledge" on the concept, asked a simple question.."Did Ms Rabe'ah thought all this thing in lab..." and the moment he asked, I smirked, and at the same time, the whole class was speechless for a tiny sec...

What we learned in physic class? Yes, we learned about formulas, how to apply the formulas, how to draw the lines and etc. But we haven't learned how this f***king concept is applied in a simple device. The first thing our mind thought when it comes to electric field is F=kq/(r^2), but not the electric filed lines itself...

We could have missed the wonder of physic itself, as our concept of physic is constrained to fromulas, questions and answers. Nobody care how the formulas existed in the first place. Nobody actually understands the concept of physic itself more than the surface of an formula, but we all knew, that world of physic is more than just formulas. Eventually in real life, those formulas are just pile of everything crap if we see formula as formula...

I wondered, will I survive in the real field of engineering if I still exposed in this type of education, the education world when all you need to do is memorize and manipulating the formula to get an A. Perhaps, I wondered, will I survive in US education, when a lecturer just asked "what this device has to do with this law..." I think I'm pass...

If education is all about those, I think we are creating more formula memorizing robots that can't think...And even ironic is, an engineer that can't even understand how fans work...when he got all those thermodynamic thingy in his brain

Perhaps, I need a physic for dummy book...unless there's a reformation in the education of malaysia

Obama inauguration speech

I'm just copied this piece of post from chen chow's blog, and hmm.. it is from times.com.

I think somehow it should be spread to others, for he is the sole beacon of hchange to us...ope in the great depression of US, or, even a brink of change in this US might be a great 

.........................................................................................................................
My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition. 

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. 

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans. 

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet. 

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights. 

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met. 

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. 

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics. 


We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness. 

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom. 

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life. 

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth. 

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn. 

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction. 

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. 

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do. 

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage. 

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government. 

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good. 

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more. 

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint. 

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you. 

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and nonbelievers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace. 

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist. 

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it. 

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all. 

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate. 

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task. 

This is the price and the promise of citizenship. 

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath. 

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people: "Let it be told to the future world ... that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive ... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]." 

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Some updates

Somehow, Sam has been very nice enough to let me borrow his modem, and a few times, I actually looked confused, wondering how he is so irresistible to people 's help, and I can't count how a many times chau kee juz take his modem and bye before sam can say anything.

As usual, today I borrowed Sam's modem, an his reaction is nothing except the same smile of Sam, which somehow, I find it an interesting thing to blog about.

Sam Petani- Available for Gals

Name : Law Qiao Kai aka Samuel Law.

Also known as : Sam Mu, and white meat chicken ( why? just see his skin and u would c), Uncle Sam

Expertise : , dota-ing, basketball, badminton ,and a 100 mark in cal class, and also courting girl is he thinks that he's necessary, and teasing

Opponent : Chau Kee, one of the regular Sam modem's "patron"

Trademark : After JK's analysis, the characteristic of Sam that is most noticable is not his white skin, but his Sammish Smile (we call it Sam Mu Zhi xiao), which somehow relates to mona lisa smiles (that's what he said). You'll see the same smile always when he looked at certain girl, watching you dota-ing, denying sth, teasing at you, planning someething evil, -the same IRRITATING SMILE- a smirkish smile. But believe me, thats what the gals called sexy.

Favorite item : Battle fury (dota item lai de)

Favorite gal : We are thinking, either he's a gay, or he had lots of gal waiting to sponsor him overseas

I've never see he angry so far, I wondered how he looks like when he get real mad....maybe someday when he garena-ing , someone stole his modem

Nah, Sam, this is a free ad for you, as a token of "appreciation" for your "good" smile and modem.

Uni Application

Things have been going more uncontrollable as times passed by...no recommendation letter by OSSP, no SOR yet, no SPM translation from OSSP, it is going to be somehow out of control. But soemhow, i've been able to chill down.

Thanks for it, I had to go back Ipoh, and missed my last bus to Shah alam, eventually forced to take bus to KL, and travel all the way from pudu back to Shah Alam alone at night! It is quite an adventure, with me almost lots among those tonnes of LRT around.

Times seems to be out as I typed, but, I already controlled what I can manage to control. The rest? Leave the fate to decide.

Intec-dota.blogspot.com

I'm going to make a blogspot for dota-allstars, and revive the dota-action party. SO, expect something grand soon.

www.intdotafreaks.blogspot.com

Would be coming out soon.

JK the moderator ready to dish you more.

Emo?

Hahaha, now I can say bye bye to this thing. I'm not liberated, but I'm just understand myself. This new year emo streaks had taught a new way to view life.

Quoted from a dharma speaker. We see freedom from suffering, we see love from unlove, we see happiness from sadness, as if how we see light amongst darkness. This emo streak has taught me something new in life. Though I can't guarantee that I won't emo next time (hey, I'm just a human after all), at least I would happily emo. Lol

To my friends that perhaps still emoing, something for you- dun be unhappy because you emo, it is normal, and happy emo-ing next time. It will be better for you.