Untitled

Scars

I always had urges to reflect, to think, to think back of the past, reviewing myself from all my past deeds, my past speeches, and acts. Often, it hurts, like an invisible blade that struck through my heart, and the world seems to be void of air for the tiny sec.

            “It’s already past. Don’t think too much about it. It’s already over.” This is what I told myself as I gave a big whack to my own head; pain enough so that it will bring me back to the reality. My head gets a big bump, and the scar disappeared.

            Perhaps, the real thing I scared about is not the memories itself, but deep inside, there’s a fearful feeling that those things will happen again in one of the distant futures, and once again, I would be the devil in the story, causing havoc and distrust again.

            But still, I liked to reflect to myself. Even though it might hurt, it is always better to have a scar, to remind myself of the past thing I did, so that I won’t repeat it in future, so that I won’t cause an injury to others. However, there are times that I thought those scars had disappeared, caused either by temporary emotional feelings, or ignorance, and I will repeat those dreadful things again. And the scar goes deeper and deeper. A deeper scar was bared, and until one time when those scars are forgotten, tragedy would once again occur, and the cycle happens again.

            The scars might be painful, but it is way much painless than the injury it costs. The scars must not be forgotten, as though it might hurts. And pray that one day I get numb with those scars around…

            One who forgets history tends to repeat it.

 

Misconception

            Often I had a thought. “Do people around me really understand who I am?” And often the answers I told myself is a No, and I would either felt solitude for a second, or either a feeling of satisfaction would arise, and praising myself for able to conceal myself well.

            But days ago, something happens due to some events and etc, like a series of chain, that makes me rethink again. Do people really not understand me? Or perhaps, I’m the one that I don’t understand myself…

            I had once thought that what people thought about me is wrong, but come to think about it again, it might be I’m the one that wrong.

            I am someone that “unreliable, clueless, have little sense of responsible, naïve-thinking, like to poke into people secret and gossip around about it, and had a tendency to say wrong things in a wrong time.”

            And bet cha people might think something like this, “He’s the guy if u wants an extra person for DoTA, futsal or labor work. But don’t ever depend on this fella if you wanted to get important things messed up.”

            I used to think that they are wrong, but come to think about it, the opposite might be the truth, at least after someone that I least expected give me a big whack of the whole things that happened.

            And if you want to comment that what I write is wrong, think AGAIN. It is either you are not being truthful to yourself, or you just don’t understand me well. If you are thinking that you understand me better through this post, THINK AGAIN. You are just being fed with someone own opinion and confusion.

           

Emo

            And let me guess, some of you might think that this guy had gone emotional. Well, it might be true, but here again, I think that you guys term of “emo” might not be suitable in my case.

            Emo is the term that you used when someone had undergone a change of feeling of sad, and unable to get things done because of the overwhelming feeling of sadness. It might cause a change of attitude and etc.

            Well, it doesn’t apply to me. I did not really undergo any change of feeling. I am not an optimistic person, but definitely not a pessimist. I am not happy all of time, but it doesn’t mean that I am sad all the time. Well, I am just thinking. I still can get things done and even go for sports. Is it “ok” for a person that is emo-ing? For a person that had been accustomed to pessimism, it is already a habit for him not to be happy, and he won’t know that he is not happy either. You get it?

            So, I am not emo-ing, or, maybe I am, cuz I dun really know myself much. But still, there are times I wanted to express something, well, maybe you could say me emo then during those times.

            I ‘m not emo-ing, so don’t accustomed myself with those people that trapped in the emo-chain, or commented something like get well soon…