Opening up the Pandora Box

Prologue 

You sure you want to do this?

Yeah, it has been too long since the nightmares has come upon me.  I think it's time to come clean

You sure? You could have continue doing the same thing. Just left it be and eventually it will be....

It won't. You know it did you. Sometimes only the worst thing doesn't go with time. Like some old memories. I guess, I've been roleplaying the emo-kid for long.

Why don't do it on the 22nd?

I don't really have a time for me. From yesterday's call, you should know there's not really a thing of  good and bad timeing, do you?

Even though you want to do this, why bother writing on HERE. Duh, this is a public blog, FFS.

Well, I have the faith that no one is planning to read this, or even when they do, I guess hiding this thing like some hidden secret would not make a difference. And for some unknown reason, I had been trying to avoid this issue for some long, that I think I shall probably write about it instead of letting it grow, and eventually consumes me without me knowing.

Fine, make sure this is your last emo post. After that, no more

Fine, I will write something like top 6 most irritating internet comment, or sort. Oh, well, maybe some whining sometimes

Here goes. Make sure you have time to do your thermo II homework (and yea, a design before 8pm)

*Opening the box*

Background
Erm, how should I start this whole thing...  Yesterday, I received a call from mom, and things are going in an as usual routine, until I realize she says:

"Your father is going to die soon".

It's not exactly a depressing news, it's like a news of " Internet sedition Act" is coming, surely it's something, but MEH. My mom plainly state it in a "matter-of-fact" , which I pretty much should have expected.

" There's one day I thought your father is going to die, and I wanna to give your a call. Unfortunately you didn't pick the call, (phew). So question, son. If your father wanted to say his last word to you, would you listen....."

MEH, i mean what! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. And the following 50 minutes is me whining of.....life and complaining until my sister say I went overboard and mom started to have teary eyes....

Well, I mean, that's the reason why this post exists, right? Contemplating... I mean, things must have gone way wrong if my mom wasn't feeling happy about my 50 minutes response. I mean, I hate my dad like how I hated a cockroach, but my mom is probably the every reason I will be in US, typing this contemplating post. So, it's my fault...but...

Wait
You'll couldn't blame me for the outrageous response. As much as I can remember, I don't have any "good memories" associated with him. Things like (breath deeply) , throwing a slipper when I was taking a nap in the shop, locking the house because he wants my mother to sign the mortgage, hitting my mom when I was a 7 years old kid, and for the next 5 years, my mom worked like crazy for the mortgage, got herself a cancer in processes, removing both me and my sis a good and loving mother, and deprive my sister of schooling just to have me studying here. Even as I faced the mirror, I saw the curly hair, a sign of my bitter childhood thanks to teasing, and the genetic link that I was his son. And even when I was angry, the anger I had reminds me of his berserker-like rage. And how do you expect...

But, mom and sis, as you have said, I am the least person to be harmed by him. Both of you, one way or another, suffered more than I do. And how could you just forget all those things when life was finally at peace. And sister, even when she talked how she could kick her father right to her coffin, had became rational, and saying things that an elder sister should say...She still remember it, but she is letting go of it

While I was still one way clinging to the vengeful past... of my own father

But
(Breath deeply), but deep inside, you know he's used to be a good father, bringing you and whole family to explore some exotic places, and sometimes if you lucky enough, he boiled you one hell thick of a milo  (which explains why you love thick milo or coffee) , and sometimes when he's back, he would probably bring his dinner , and you and your sister would swarm and finnish the food before he could barely enjoy his food.

Wait, where does these good old time goes. Blame it on gambling? But he's rotten enough to put everything on his hobby...

*breath* . Still, he's your father (ugh), despite that you refused to fill a name on "father guardian" post, because it's hard to explain to teacher that my father was ...erm i dunno, run away and leave a lot of debt kinda stuff. 

*He's still your father, and aside for his gambling and bad temper, he's been the main supporting pillar in you first 12 years

Still
You expect me to forget everything? That pathetic piece of humanoid skull is my father! You gotta be kidding me! I would go as far as changing my family name to Lee if I could. You heard me! He's the nightmare that I had during my secondary school, ranging from filling the form, working in weekends, a stressed up mother, and...and...If the law permits it, I would have thrown him beside the road, that he's befit too....


The problem
is no longer about him. It's you. Don't you notice how you get cynical of people, how you doubted a sincere help, how you dismiss a compliment as fake. And how much you reacted when people point right at your hair (ugh). 

It's about you, those envious oblivious look when others are acting like a kid, while you looked back and despise how bad you are as a kid. You've changed, partly because of the anger you had harbored for years, from a innocent kid to a teen that simply refuses to believe on anyone.

You've lived to see through your way, but you know if you wouldn't insist in your way, there's a better detour. 


It's time, to forget about it. Harboring a vengeful thought to someone that is going to die, is not going to hurt him as much as he hurts you. Nor casting it beside could help you. 


There's a reason why this post exist. It's a portal for you to communicate between the you and the past and the you typing in the computer (which is psychotic, but it works)

Your words above has released the emotions and anger you have always within you, and so, just left it here. Continue your lives, and this post will remain as a stint and nooks of your life has gone through, like many other post you've posted




Epilogue
And what am I supposed to do when the call arrives

Do as if you 're paying a homage to a person that's going to die...

But I still don't want to say the word

Up to you, you've made no benefit for being foolhardy to a person that's going to die

Fine

* Closes the box  *