Guess I really wanted to say it huh?
But I had no courage to say anything about it, be in facebook, or even in blog, when someone might just get upset by what you write?
Yet the feeling of blurting things out are being unbearable...
And the funniest thing, there's actually a title that suited my feelings today.
So, no-stone unturned, I would just say everything out loud and go to sleep.
Dear bloggie,
Perhaps you are the only existence that will tolerate what I said, and tolerate every single word I said. I am kinda feeling sad right now, but I don't feel like telling everyone to facebook, and I don't feel like making a new post, and letting everyone know about it. I have an image to keep, an supposed-to-be image, which I had been keeping for years.
Dear bloggie, I always say that I don't need friends. But do you know, I kinda frets out when I was alone, and I hate being a lone person. I am not as strong as I seems, being able to stay alone, and not following other people. True is, I don't want people to know I am a dependent person. I had enough of my parents scolding me because I always ask them for help. I tried to be independent, but in the end, I wasn't able to solve real problems about. There's always some friends that helped me.
Dear bloggie, do you know that I wanted company, not from people that will saying how bad you are, but just someone that enjoys having you there in the scene. However, in this new place, there's no really a person in which really like my presence. I was the presence unneeded. The eyes, the ignoring expression, it conveys more than it hurts. And I had to actually putting a cool mask, or else my ego was at risk.I never laughed, since I came here. It was always a forced grin -a society grin, and yeah, I never laughed truthfully since I was here.
Dear bloggie, I don't like my past, there are always people that bully you, that segregates you because you are a different person. Your dad was nowhere to be seen, you are a son of a noodle selling mother. Your clothes smell after hours of working, your hair curls. I feel so left behind in the class, and I never able to mix well with everybody. I never understand the latest hit, and fashion sense at all. I never seems to be like myself in the picture, or in the mirror. I was becoming an existence that I hate, because everyone around me say so.
I was never able to love myself.
Dear bloggie, i had to always make a tough expression, by telling myself I am fine being a lone person, by keep telling myself I don't need accompany. But truth is, if I am not doing this for years, I would actually crumble and cry out loud. My ego was on stake here...
I was really sad today, when someone say that i am a self-centered person, and all i do is commenting on his work. Maybe I got overboard and engaged in an argument, but I am just saying what I said...And after this, I am going to have one less friend to chat to, and I already blocked his contact in MSN. Even though I don't want the friendship to end just yet, I had no idea what to say when he popped out in MSN, and I had no idea what is he going to say, and what am i saying in response.
Dear bloggie, am I selfish? Am I really a strong person? Am I really unemotional? Do I have to blame all of my problems to people around me, or should I shoulder my pain alone?
Can I still make friends with people that called me a selfish jerk. Can I still make friends with people that tell me to buzz off or saying I am unneeded, or do I, after writing this piece, strengthening my heart, and looked things like yesterday, with a look of glinting disappointment.
Can...can I still one day laugh with friends again?
Hi bloggie, I guess after this post, nothing will change, I would have to put a mask of cool and rationality against those people to avoid being called as stupid, and put another mask of independence while I am in true needing a company,
am i getting to become a strong person, or a person that changes himself and choose to deceit himself what to do
Bloggie, thank you for listening....
Sincerely
Edward
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